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surviving an affair
married couples
frame of mind
better chance
lament
intuition
marriage
Why Are We Always The Last To Know?
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Many spouses seem to find out, after everyone else already knows, that their "better half" has been cheating on them. This is humiliating enough but, because most spouses always feel like they should have known somehow, they beat themselves up even more. This is the reason I don't like to see it happen to any couple who are in the public eye which just increases the humiliation 10 fold. It is very hard to sense that you are being cheated on when you are in a trusting frame of mind. Trust is one of those things that you take for granted until someone comes along and damages it.

I am amazed at the number of couples who stay together even after their trust is damaged by an affair. It seems the longer you are married the better chance your marriage has of surviving an affair but, that does not mean that it will. The thing that I am finding is that the quicker the affair is discovered the better your chances of staying together. Another thing that I find interesting is something called the "rookie effect" the term used to describe why couples in their first 2 years of marriage are more likely to survive an affair. Society in general tends to give people just starting out a much bigger break than they do someone who has been at something for awhile and this carries through to newly married couples.

If finding out early really does help marriages stay together then you owe it to yourself to confront any suspicions you may have when you first have them and not wait. Many couples who go to counseling because of an affair lament that they wished they had not ignored their intuition and had taken steps to find out if their suspicions were true.

The reverse is also true. If you are married and you start having suspicions they will not subside even after being confirmed untrue. The reason for the suspicion must be confronted and the best ways to do this is without the other person knowing. This is actually easier than you might at first think.

One of the easiest things you can do is start paying attention. Many times you are being given clues daily and if you are not paying close attention you are missing them. If you are already in the suspicious frame of mind you are not at the top of your mental capabilities and are probably missing signs that you would not normally miss.

Here are two things to look for when you first begin to have those nagging suspicions.

The first is a sudden interest in improving themselves. This could be buying new clothes, changing to a new haircut, starting a workout routine and if you are already suspicious this should set off alarm bells - signing up for classes at a near by college, university, technical school or any place offering adult classes. This is also where you will probably find the "other" person.

The second is true although most of us will not believe it and it usually only comes early in the affair. As surprising as it sounds the name of the person they are having the affair with will start being brought up all the time. You may not even catch it if you are not paying close attention. This person will often be brought up as a third-party such as John's wife or Betty's husband and one that I know of that was pretty hard to believe was - the neighbor's plumber. Apparently his wife kept telling him he ought to have the neighbor's plumber check their pipes because he averted a real problem for them and she would hate for that to happen to them.

We don't always have to be the last to know and by simply following our gut and keeping our eyes open we can keep from being blind sided by an affair. This does not mean we can stop it but it will help us from having to lament "Why are we always the last to know?".

While it is always tricky giving marriage advice because relationships are tricky, somethings are just too important to stay silent about. If you feel your spouse may be cheating on you, have they suddenly started tanning or taking classes? Does the neighbor's plumber keep coming up in your conversations?


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