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Facts About Cats For Closet Cat-ties (And How To Keep Your Cat Affair Clandestine)
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Facts About Cats For Closet Cat-ties (And How To Keep Your Cat Affair Clandestine)

You know who I’m talking about… you know who you are. You’re first and loudest to tell anyone listening that cats have no right to live.

To you, the kind of people that are cat-lovers, (or cat-ies), makes you shudder in revolt. Weak, spongy miscreants willing to act like idiots as they beg and plead for the tiniest bit of attention from a cat.

“Pathetic!” you say. Call a dog one time and you get willing obedience and get to keep your dignity!

But despite your cat-repulsion, somehow, if there’s a cat within a mile radius, it’s found and targeted you. Silently, ‘it’ will sit there staring intently – only at you.

It’s one of the most basic facts about cats; they always want those who love them least.

One dark day will come when you unexpectedly recognize a strange flicker of a not-murderous emotion towards the animal. And after maybe weeks of distanced toleration, you’re surprised to discover ‘it’ rubbing against your calves, and you’re not kicking it away.

Then another dark moment comes, perhaps when you’re distracted by a bloody hockey cross-check on TV, when you realize ‘it’ is sitting on your lap, and what looks like your hand is stroking the cat’s head!

Visions of yourself in pink polos sipping cran-tinis fill your head. You push the thoughts aside immediately because you are NOT one of those people! Cats only deserve a slow death!

…Except for maybe this one cat - but just this one. He’s different; he’s kinda cool. (Sucka)!

You poor, delusional rube; you’re not even aware that you’ve just been artfully outplayed by a master.

Another basic fact about cats is that you like that cat only because he has chosen you to like him – no matter what you’d prefer to think. You and centuries of other poor boobs are victims of an ancient, calculated feline war-game exercised with brilliant strategy.

You’ve been chosen, hunted and conquered without even knowing it was happening. But don’t beat yourself up – you’re not alone. This same stealth-assault has always worked on the unsuspecting.

Eventually you realize this animal on your lap emitting a strangely comforting noise is just like that guy you knew in high school who always got the girl. Always - never missed. He prowled, wooed and eventually conquered even the prude-est of the girls, no matter how long it took. He had some sort of a lady-killer super power that you could only dream of having.

Just like that guy, you can’t help admire the cat for that quality, despite the uncomfortable feeling that somehow now you might it’s bitch.

This is just a new chapter in a very old story.

Among the facts about cats that you may not have known is they’ve been the silent rulers of the manipulation game forever. Why do you think you were initially so repulsed by the animal? Because somewhere deep, you instinctively sensed the animal’s immense power.

Masters of the game, they play to win – and always do. What makes you think you could resist complete domination when entire ancient civilizations have succumbed?

Do you really think little ancient Egyptian boys chose to run and play among the pyramids with a cat instead of a dog? No! They were forced to by Egyptian parents who’d been seduced and dominated by cats.

And face it - now you have been, too.

In fact, eventually the whole great Egyptian civilization – the most powerful world giants of their time – completely lost all self-control and elevated the cat to the status of a God in their culture, demanding worship, obedience, and tithes of yarn balls from all. So pat yourself on the back that you aren’t that far gone – yet.

To their credit, however, the ancient Egyptians saw to it that they got theirs in the end. When they died they had their cat buried with them – dead or alive.

You can always keep that option open.

So, you may ask, if you are helpless against eventual domination of this catzi party – how do you prevent becoming one of those sniveling cat-groupies that you despise? Sorry – the facts about cats for closet cat-ies clearly say you can’t.

You can, however, use some clever and time-tested deflection maneuvers:

  • Give the cat a distinctly macho name like Rambo, Homie or Killa. Even if your five year old has already named him Snowball, shorten it to Balls or something more respectable like that.
  • Assign him a function – the best mouser or helps to keep the kid in the bed all night.
  • If ever caught looking fondly in the cat’s direction, cover it up with a sneeze or a cough.
  • And, God forbid! If one of your buddies ever catches you with the thing in your lap, tell them it’s for the kids.

In fact, use that excuse often. It’s perfectly acceptable to other cat-haters who have to sacrifice dignity somewhere in their lives too, for their kids. In fact, it’s the international code phrase for all closet cat-ies used to identify one another.

Some variations of that excuse are:

  • I’d kill it, (drown it, feed it to the dog), if it were up to me, but you know – it’s for the kids.

You can try telling people that ‘the damn thing thinks he’s a dog,’ but mostly, no one believes that and they will see right through you. Using lame excuses like that could be a sign you are on the cusp of wearing pink polo shirts, sipping cran-tinis while watching The Real Housewives of OC and eventually entertaining company in your coffin, so restrain yourself - you don’t want that. You know what cats do in boxes…

The final word for facts about cats for closet cat-ies is this: Give it up, go quietly. Eventually you’re going to be conquered and all you can do is try your best to keep your obsession in the closet.

So do like even the least civilized of the feline race does with what they don’t want exposed – cover it up!


Street Talk

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