You’ve been together over a year yet he hasn’t proposed. In fact, any time the conversation moves toward commitment, he pulls away, becoming distant and nonresponsive. When you’re serious about your relationship, it’s frustrating not understanding why he shuns committing. You love him and want to build a life with him, you even thought he loves you yet, you’re still not engaged. So what do you do?

With most women wanting to become engaged, waiting for him to propose will drive them to desperation. With desperation comes the threat; let’s get married or else. Frankly, there is no reason for giving an ultimatum in any relationship. Your guy may already be committed to you but has reasons he’s not ready to marry. Threatening him only pushes him in a corner, making him more resistant.

When telling him it’s now or never, be ready to deal with the response you get. A now or never ultimatum, very likely, will get you a “never” response. No one likes to be threatened and if he says never, be prepared to act on the “never” and leave. No long term relationship should begin with an ultimatum which may ruin what you already have together. Do you really want the knowledge of your threat overshadowing your marriage?

There are alternatives to giving ultimatums. Talk to him in a manner that discusses the issue not threatens. Express your feelings, let him know what you want out of life, but also listen to what he is saying. Understand what his views, feelings and fears are, adapting your own to coincide with his.

Men avoid commitment for many reasons. He may worry about supporting the two of you or he’s not sure he’s ready to give up his freedom. Maybe his parents went through a nasty divorce; a painful time for everyone.

Sometimes, not committing is because of hurdles he still needs to face in his life. Is he still in school or starting a new career; maybe a new business? If so, this could cause him to stall commitment until he feels secure with where his life is headed. If this is the case, reassure him that you hope things can move forward after he reaches his goal. Showing him support in his chosen path will strengthen what you have together.

Ultimatums and threats rarely work and may cause irreparable damage. If you feel your guy is pulling away, you need to understand why; understand what he is thinking and what he wants. Men think differently than women and usually act on gut feelings. Your understanding is the most important step to making him feel secure in moving forward.