Is your partner suffering because you are? Would you rather he or she just leave you alone? Do you feel that ONE MORE PERSON is just sucking you dry? I had all these feelings and more. I didn't even want to look after my very much beloved pug dog. It was all too much.

Having suffered from post partum depression many years ago, I wish that I'd had a place to join others, to feel that I was not the "only" one going through wanting to die on a daily basis, or wishing that I did not have to look after my daughter. I wanted to sleep, but couldn't.

Today there are many more resources available. I tried desperately to get into a "special unit" at UCLA hospital, but they would not take my insurance. It was just another blow in my already fragile state. I felt like I could not connect emotionally to anyone. My husband felt all alone as well.

Fortunately, he had a support group around him. He never made me feel bad for being such a "mess". He did not put a drain on me emotionally. Somewhere inside him, he knew that I was "sick" and did not rush me to "be different".

He was, however, grateful, when I finally got help. I went to therapy twice a week for several months and was eventually pressured into taking an anti-depressant. I no longer felt " suicidal", but I just did not care about anyone or anything. It was a step up.

My husband was frightened that I had to go on medication, but understood that it was a step towards recovery. But, I was still NOT whole. My mind was on "hold" and so were my emotions. I was like a walking zombie. I cannot imagine how difficult this was for him. But it was as if I was not even aware that he was around. He felt like work. I was only concerned with looking after the baby and trying desperately to sleep. I couldn't show up for more.

He was confused and felt abandoned. And he was. He talked with other husbands and got the emotional support to help him get through this. And we were so looking forward to being parents and raising our baby. It was just a horrible, horrible ordeal.

This birth turned my whole world inside out, and his too. I only had my therapist and medication. That was my island in this storm. I did not have hope. I felt misunderstood and I was. Eventually, I managed to get some sleep, due to the medication and things started to improve.

I started thinking more rationally, the baby started sleeping and I started to be aware that my husband was in the "room" and that I needed to connect with him. Day after day I got better. It is a miracle that my husband was able to show up day after day, hoping that I would one day return. I did. And life is good!