How do conversations that begin benignly discussing something the children need to do, escalate into nuclear war? The discussion began innocently enough. It is summer time and our twelve year old needs to be doing something other than playing video games. We were in agreement up to that point. Then we began discussing what level of competence was to be expected. My husband who is very type A and a perfectionist is very difficult to please. I am very laid back and admittedly could use a little more perfectionism. So here we are. The lines were drawn. When it was all said and done, we had both said some unflattering things, insulted each other, as well as extended family.

Clearly many factors feed into the mix. Parenting styles, personality differences, differences in family cultures and traditions are all variables that make a united plan almost unreachable.

One strategy is for parents would sit down together and throw the topic out as neutral conversation. Next each parent is given an opportunity to air their own interpretation of the behavior. This helps keep emotion from running the conversation. Without the emotionality a peaceful negotiation is much more likely. As parents we try to educate ourselves to make us more effective at our job. some beneficial studies are books on the four personalities. Florence Littauer has made her life work the study of the personalities. she is an easy read and it reads more like Erma Bombeck than a study. Littauer also has a good book focusing on children's personalities called "Wired that way".

There are also different learning styles. An example would be that a visual learner needs to have material presented differently than an auditory learner. This is not only interesting, but if we know how our child learns they will save time and frustration being shown in their own style.

Obviously most situations that cause volatile discussions between parents will happen on the spur of the moment. But if you have spent time studying and making a game plan, you can approach it from a less emotional place, thereby more quickly coming to a peaceful solution. As for my own peaceful resolution I had to stay inside and trust my husband to keep in mind some of the more relevant things I said and remember that he wants good things for our child as much as I do.