I hurt my partner so much. I went outside our relationship in search for what was missing. What was missing? Was it something I wasn’t getting from her, or the relationship or was it something missing from inside of me? That last question I never even considered. You see at first I thought it was all about what she wasn’t giving me. Now I realize much of what I said that was missing, complained about and what I was so unhappy about, was in fact missing inside of me.

I was the one unhappy and disappointed about where I was and what I was doing with my life. I made it all about me and acted out and convinced myself that WHERE I was, was WHO I was and I didn’t like that at all. So I blamed her for my situation and circumstances. To medicate myself I went outside out relationship to get my FIX from someone or something else to satisfy I my need. I didn’t physically meet anyone; I emotionally connected with them and feed my addiction. I still to this day don’t even know if that person was real or not. I think I made it all up in my head, but it doesn’t matter I did leave emotionally so I could take care of my needs and satisfying my wants. I projected and transferred everything on to this other fantasy. Even though in my mind I justified it all by saying it was really HER I wanted to do all this with. HER I Loved, HER I wanted, HER I needed. But it was still wrong what I did and I known that now so much. . I know you must think how terrible of me to do this to such a sweet kind caring person as SHE is and God, knows I have been punishing the hell out of myself for it all

It’s so easy to look back and see it all so clearly now. What a fool I was and now I fear I have destroyed the one person who loved me most, the one relationship I was looking for the whole time because of my own selfishness and greed.

I’m so sorry and want to apologize and listen to her. I want to tell her how much I love her and miss her and that she was and still is the ONE I love most in this world. I am so sorry. I hope it’s not too late for us. I fear it is. It’s crazy to think that even after all the flaws I see in her , and all her many issues and all the bumps and lumps and bruises that I love her more than ever before. But yet there I was looking for something better, when the one time , what I loved most was standing right there in front of me.

I will do whatever needs to be done to fix this. I want to, I need to. I feel in my heart and soul she is so worth whatever I need to do to mend this. I love her with all my heart and soul I can’t believe I hurt the one who loved me so much.

If you are the one who betrayed your partner they may very well pull away from you. They may be so filled with pain and hurt and feel so sad and betrayed that they need to retreat so far from you now. God, knows how many times I did from HER . All she says to me is “I need time, I need more space , I can’t deal with you right now, I am in so much pain and I am so sad and have all this anger…I am sorry, just leave me alone!"

I love her so much and I am so sorry. This is such a difficult place to be for of both people. And at the time IF you tried to tell me that THIS is how and where we would end up, I would have said you’re CRAZY. I was so sure that she loved me and would never leave me that I did this selfish act. Oh God, my arrogance , I am such a fool. God I hope I have not destroyed our love for each another.

The healing right now, if you want to call it that is like these huge open bleeding wounds. I don’t even care about mine I just want to help her. It’s so hard to stand off to the side and watch them as they bleed. I can feel her pain and yet I cannot take away. I try to write her and call her and text her and each time I find this, sweet weak woman who says “thank you BUT…. I need to heal now, I need more time and more space and I am so sad and filled with so much anger.. leave me alone….

Oh God, I want to honor her and respect he wishes….. I am the PAIN now, I am the one who caused all this, I am so sorry, please forgive me. The Hardest thing to do is to do nothing.