Anyone who has gone on a desperate search to find answers about the abusive relationship they are in probably knows what love bombing is. It is a term that never crossed my mind or my lips until a few months ago, a term I had never heard of. until I went on a desperate search of my own.

The Beginning – The Idealization Stage – The Love Bomb

I met my soul mate. He was wonderful, caring, attentive, loving, took care of my every want and need. He knew what I wanted and needed and was there with it before I ever had to ask. He put me on a pedestal. He adored me. He cherished me. He told me I was he ideal, that he had been waiting for someone like me all of his life. I believe in love! I believe in passion! I believe in soul mates! I had always dreamed of this relationship and I had finally found it! Although not my type, he was charming, fun, exciting, confident, charismatic, comfortable in every situation, capable of handling anything and anyone, creative, extremely intelligent – Simply Amazing! I fell madly in love with him and fast! The problem was that I was married! Why now? How could the perfect man come along for me now? It seemed way to good to be true but I could not walk away from it so I left my husband to be with him. He took care of me and every aspect of my life. He gave me multiple orgasms every day in exciting places – in elevators, in casinos, in the car, in the plane, in the pool, anywhere and everywhere. My life, my world, my being was completely fulfilled, I had never been happier. The people who knew me would tell me they had never seen me happier every time they saw us together. He promised me the passionate love we shared would never change.

End of the Honeymoon – The Devaluation Stage

But things did change. All of a sudden he was different, he was distant, he was not as attentive, not as caring, not as affectionate. I was getting the silent treatment. I was shell shocked, devastated. I was racking my brain to figure out what happened. What did I do wrong? I turned into a nag, asking him what was wrong over and over again. He would say nothing, that he just had a lot on his mind. My logic told me that the honeymoon always has to end and that I needed to stop worrying about it but something about the way he was acting felt off. It consumed me every moment of every day. I tried to remain positive and happy but I desperately wanted my soul mate back, I desperately wanted things to go back to the way they were in the beginning. We eventually talked about how his silent treatment hurt me, it was abuse! He acknowledged it, he apologized. Things got better once again, close but never quite the way they were in the beginning. I told my self the honeymoon always ends. Our relationship turned into a vicious cycle. Things were amazing 95% of the time but devastatingly bad the rest of the time. Suddenly and without warning, he would withdraw, give me the silent treatment, turn his back to me when we went to bed, he withheld affection and withheld sex. Once again I was dying inside but I did not want to become the nag again so only I would only ask him once if something was wrong. The answer was usually no or something minor so I would not say anything more. But I was hurt and angry. My pain seeped out during during normal conversations. I became defensive, I attacked him verbally, I wanted to hurt him because he hurt me. He was very critical of my defensive behavior and when we eventually talked, he said that I was not a happy person to be around, I was short, sarcastic and mean to him and no wonder he did not want to be around me! That was all true! I was hurt and I did not feel love for him, I resented him and it showed! I vowed to do everything in my power to change my behavior to save our love. I began walking on egg shells, watching my tone of voice, watching what I said, watching what I did, watching his reactions. I repressed my sadness, my insecurities and my feelings and tried to appear happy, but I wasn’t.

The End – The Discard Phase

Eventually all the emotions I suppressed came pouring out. We had a small disagreement that escalated dramatically. I said things I regretted the next day, I raised my voice, I attacked him. I tried to manipulate him to get a reaction. He saw right through my manipulation, called me out on my behavior and told me it was over. He told me that he could not be with someone like me. I had an anxiety attack. I could not breath, my heart raced, I was devastated. How could he end our relationship? We were soul mates! So I packed my things and left for a friends house. He continued to contact me via email to discuss business affairs or other things that did not have to do with our relationship. Our communication would get less angry with each text or email. I missed him desperately, like someone had taken half of me away. I knew he missed me too. A couple days later we saw one another. He kissed me. My entire being filled with relief and gratitude. Everything was going to be okay! I moved my things back in and the vicious cycle started over. I have now lost count of how many times the cycle has occurred in our relationship.

Today – The Aftermath

When I packed my things a few days and got on a plane, I swore to myself that it would be the last time. So much damage has been done, so much pain has been inflicted. But at the end of the day, I simply miss him.

Was I loved bombed or did I ruin the relationship with my insecurities and inability to control my emotions?

I hope to be able to answer that question one day.

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