This Article is About
bad feelings
dear readers
deep breath
resentment
initiation
instances
all sorts
waves
anger
priority
What You Need To Know About Your Partners Ex
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Dear Readers,

In my previous article I addressed 5 points about the very complicated “partner’s ex dynamics.” In that article, I argued (in your favor of course) that you, the current partner, have ALL the rights to feel, in many aspects, if not all, hehe, validated, entitled, valued, listened to, and have priority when it comes to your partner dealing with his ex.

Now, unfortunately for you—believe me I already got over it--- there are instances in which you, the current partner have to make some concessions and take a deep breath. In other words, in some aspects you just ride the waves when it comes to interacting/dealing with your partner’s ex (or your partner dealing with her for that matter). Obviously you DON’T have to do so, BUT believe me, it will make your life MUCH easier if you learn to accept and classily deal with the following situations (and no, just for the record, I not always did what it was supposed to make my life easier in my own ‘partner-ex-territory-initiation’ thus at times, or often times, hehe, it was very difficult for me to understand and accept some situations). But enough about me, here it is:

1. If your partner and his ex have children, DO let your partner and his ex raise their own children. It is wonderful (and I do commend you for it—at this point I might be the only one recognizing you for what you do and give to your partner’s children, hehehe) if you are greatly and actively involved with your partner’s children. BUT in the end, his children are NOT your responsibility. Plus, if you are doing all kinds of things for your partner’s children, and you seldom or never get credit, appreciated, or simply thanked for what you do or give, this non-appreciation can create all sorts of bad feelings (in you) such as resentment, competition, anger, and so forth. Perhaps you are just a giving creature, mmmhhh, but believe me, after years of giving, giving, doing, doing, but without anything in return, you will be exhausted and ready to call it quits.

2. Do not get involved in their disagreements. Do support your partner, and take his side (as long as it is not putting anybody in any kind of danger/abuse). Offer him your validation, but DO NOT get in the middle of their “arguments,” and I mean this figuratively but also literally. Let them sort it out themselves. Instead of throwing some “punches,” be the “safe heaven” for your partner; be the one who he can come to pour his heart out, let him rest in you. Otherwise, you both will be in too much tension, not even against each other, but tension nonetheless. And yes, men do need a “safe place” to pour out their emotions and thoughts. Listen. Your partner will appreciate it.

3. Do NOT take or let your partner let you assume the role of the “mother” to his children. You can be a parent—which is different than “the mom.” You can be yes, a friend, a guide, a positive role mode, YES, but you are NOT the mother. In my own case it was not that I wanted to be my step-children’s “mom,” but it was my own husband “pushing” me to take the role of “their mom.” I am not saying I did not want to see my step-children as my “own.” But, this exerted such huge pressure on me, that in the end, I could not take it. I felt I was drowning to “perform” to give, to do. Yes, I wanted to do everything I could for my step-children, but it got to a point that I LOST MYSELF in the mix and this led me to feel I didn’t even know what my place was or who I was! I wanted my husband to be happy and my step-children to be happy, but I neglected myself. If your partner is putting you in this position, please, be honest with him, tell him your side and feelings, and that perhaps you want to take a least active role in the lives of his children. It is better to make that clear than to let things get “out of control” and loose yourself in the midst.

4. You are not the disciplinarian so do not discipline his children. Otherwise, you will become the “stereotype-evil-witch.” Now, you are not the disciplinarian, BUT you ARE an authority figure. His children should give you respect. I have heard and read about partners disciplining their own partner’s children. BIG MISTAKE! This is not your job. In that sense, I was lucky that my husband-at-the-time and I agreed on this issue; thus we never had problems in this regard. Plus his children were not disrespectful to me. But what if your partner’s children are horrible to you?? Should you just take their bad manners, disrespect, and bad mouth? (not that all children are like that). OF course not! If this is the case, you better be direct and clear with your partner about how his children’s actions and reactions are not acceptable and should not be tolerated. If your partner does not support you on this, I am sorry to tell you, but you will have a very difficult time balancing your relationship with your partner and his children.

5. Be the MATURE grown up. Here is one of those points that it might as well be one (or the most) difficult to do. The Black Belt of partner-ex-interaction to achieve. You might believe, or it might be the absolute truth and reality, that your partner’s ex is doing everything and anything to bother you, make you angry, jealous, criticizing you, judging you, bashing you, etc. Do NOT do what his ex is doing to you. Do not pay her back with similar actions/reactions. Yes, be the “biggest” person. Ignore her, poor creature! If that is her only way to attempt to create problems and make you feel bad… yes, you are much better than that (plus, really, look at her…. See what I mean? Heheh). Don’t get me wrong, talk to your partner about your feelings and views, what you notice, the things his ex does and says. Sometimes your partner can be oblivious to his ex’s actions. So do share with him and together, find ways in which this issue can be addressed and taken care of. BUT YOU, do what is right, classy, and decent.

Okay, how did you do? These are tough things to “swallow,” aren’t they? Like I said, almost 9 years of dealing with exes has shed some light on things. But if you “chew” on these points for a while, it will make more sense. And I dare you, to put them into practice. It will make YOUR dealings with his ex easier.

Best Regards


Street Talk

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