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Will I Get Her Back - Defining Your Boundaries Will Help You Keep Her
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Will I Get Her Back  -  Defining Your Boundaries Will Help You Keep Her

Before you can ask "Will I get her back?", you have to know how to keep her once you do.

To get a girl back, keep one, or simply to maintain a healthy relationship you need healthy well-defined boundaries. Boundaries are nothing more than an extension of yourself, your beliefs and values. Your boundaries define you. One of the biggest problems in relationships is the lack of clear boundaries.

You have to know the things you will tolerate and the things you won’t. Does your girl get a second chance if she cheats on you? Will you allow her to disrespect you? How much drama will you put up with? Is being on time important to you? Only you can sit down and define your own boundaries. I can’t determine your boundaries for you. You have you own set of values and beliefs.

Go ahead and do it now. Make a list of what actions are unacceptable to you. And then rank them from least to most important. You’ll see why in a minute.

Boundaries are not about control.

Boundaries are simply the emotional, physical and mental limits that define you as a unique individual with your own needs. They also allow you to see others as unique individuals you don’t control, just as they don’t control you. They don’t control your actions or your feelings and you don’t control theirs!

The biggest difficulties in relationships often stem from having weak boundaries, or none at all. This lack creates problems in defining one’s needs, wants and feelings.

Below are some traits of a person with poor or nonexistent boundaries.

  • * You undermine your values and beliefs to avoid conflict, you’re more concerned with pleasing others.
  • * You can’t say No, because your fear abandonment. What you want becomes unimportant.
  • * You feel responsible for other peoples feelings and actions, which can emotionally overwhelm you.
  • * The balance of powers begins to change, until there is no balance. You either blame yourself for everything and become controlling, or you become overly passive and dependent.

Some examples of good boundaries you may want to incorporate in yourself

  • * You know what behavior you will, and won’t, allow from others
  • * You do not allow disrespect or abuse
  • * You expect shared responsibility in your relationship
  • * You can say No, you respect others that say No
  • * You understand when a problem is yours, and you know when it belongs to someone else.

Again, setting boundaries is not about controlling others, it’s simply defining the behaviors you will and won’t tolerate.

Boundaries need to be “invisible” but solid. What that means is she is to allowed to cross them, but you have clear “punishment” for when she does. Do not, for one minute, think that I mean, or endorse physical or verbal punishment of any kind.

What I mean by "punishment” is you immediately let her you know that you disapprove of her behavior when it crosses a boundary you have set. She knows what is expected and that a breach has immediate consequences.

It amazing how the minute you expect to be treated a certain way, you start getting treated that way. If you expect to be treated with respect by your partner, she will try harder to respect you.

Say one of your boundaries is:

You won’t put with gossip about others. So once she begins gossiping about a mutual friend. You immediately let her know you disapprove of that kind of activity - with discipline.

Her punishment for crossing this specific boundary may be that you ignore her words and walk away, denying her your presence . She immediately knows she has crossed a barrier and she is being “punished” by losing time spent with you. She will soon become conditioned, she will associate gossip with losing time spent with you. She wants to spend time with, the gossip will soon disappear.

This can be applied, and expanded upon to fit your other boundaries in numerous ways.

So you have wrote down what things are important to you? And you ranked them?

Now you simply list the “discipline” to match each. These are not stuck on the refrigerator to be read daily, no. They are "known" and you never allow her to cross one without “disciplining” her.

Cheating may top your list and the punishment for that may be you simply walk away from the relationship. Nagging may be toward the bottom and the “punishment” for nagging may be to simply deprive her of a little time with you. We girls learn fast, really we do. We also learn to respect you this way.

The important thing is you never let things at the bottom of your list slide. Once you do, we won’t take any of the boundaries seriously. We will soon be walking all over you because we lose our respect for you.

Having, and setting clear boundaries shows you respect yourself. A woman will never respect a man that doesn’t first, respect himself. So if you are working to get a girl back, to keep one, or just improve the relationship you have, work on your boundaries. In this way you can create a healthier relationship, regardless of the current status of your relationship.

Did I answer your question "Will I get her back?".

Probably not, but the truth is, it’s not all that hard to get a girl back - The difficult part is keeping her. Learn to set boundaries. She will respect you, once a respects you, she is yours. Best of luck!

Street Talk

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