Dear Readers,

If you have ever (or currently are) dealt with a partner’s ex, you know it is a very complicated situation. If you have never had such experience, or are about to enter the “partner’s-ex-territory,” brace yourself because, yes it is as complicated as you probably have heard.

I can share with you that I have almost 9 years of experience dealing with partner’s “exes.” I think I have learned some things and tricks along the way and I would like to share some of these with you to perhaps make your life a bit more pleasant.

In this article I will tell you all of what you WANT to hear, in which aspects you are ALLOWED to feel whatever emotions come along, and how you are CORRECT (don’t worry, the things that you don’t want to hear will come later) and should feel VALIDATED when dealing with your partner’s ex.

1. Your partner’s ex has and should have a special place in your partner’s life, uuhhh???? That’s right, her “very special” place is IN THE PAST! That’s where she and their relationship belong and should remain. You should not have to endure listening about how your partner and his ex did this or that, what places they liked, what music, what gifts and so on. On the other hand, if you like hearing all of those stories, then go ahead, ask questions, I am sure you will be thrilled to hear about all the high-end jewelry your beau gave his ex and all the expensive hotels he took her to, right? Yes?? Of course NOT…. In my book, you should not have unwanted or unasked for information about your partner’s ex at any time (even worse, if you have already asked him to not do it and he still does it). Of course, there is a place/time for such conversations, for instance, if you both are talking about your past relationships or discoursing on why they didn’t last, what can improve and be done differently, and so on. Otherwise, if you are like me, you have no interest in knowing/learning anything about your partner’s ex. There is no point or purpose to it. So don’t feel bad if you have to ask your partner to keep all that ex info to himself and, yes, IN THE PAST.

2. You should feel entitled to have the first place in his life. Obviously if he has children the situation is different. Not worse or better, just different. You have to understand that his love for his children and his love for you are two very different kinds of love (yes, I am lucky that my partner is not only a great dad to his own children and he loves them, but also a wonderful and loving role-model to mine). If you are a mother yourself, you know what I am talking about, you know there is no comparison. The love you have for your children is very different than the love you have for your partner and that is normal and it is the way nature intended it to be. Otherwise, how would humans take care of their dependent young? There should be a balance though. If you feel like his love and attention are “always” or “very often” (notice the “always” and “very often”) focused on his children, then you should bring it up next time you talk to him.

3. Your feelings should be validated. Yes, your emotions and feelings are in fact MORE important than his ex’s feelings just because of the fact that you are his partner NOW. For your partner, there should be no question about which “side” he should pick, obviously yours (if he wants to live to tell, right, heheh). And I am not talking about “fighting” or “arguing” (in which case, your partner still should be on your side, haha). I am just talking about day-to-day operations. His consideration and thoughts should not be for his ex, but for YOU. If he still has that kind of approach, where he has to consider how his ex would feel or think about “x” or “y” then I urge you to really consider whether or not you think your partner is still not “over” his ex. Or just talk to him, ask him directly, why he does that and tell him how that makes you feel.

4. You should be his “queen.” Your partner’s ex should not have any kind of “power” over him, not even if they have children (I will address this point in my next article because that is one of those things that you probably do not want to hear). I am talking about how women are very subtle about establishing power and authority particularly and specifically when it has to do with “the same man”—aka your-partner-now- her-ex-now--- We women establish power even if it’s not with words, but with looks and gestures while men (in this case your partner) don’t even realize it. You should be and are entitled to be the "queen of his castle." If his ex still pretends to hold that position, your partner needs to make sure she knows she is not even a "mason" in his castle.

5. Your partner should not be doing things for his ex either. NOT COOL. Whether she asks him for help (about what? About anything, planting trees, fixing the toilet, picking her from the car service, etc) or he is the one offering to help, it is not your partner’s responsibility to continue to help his ex. Your man might be very helpful and kind but it is not his job any longer to be at the disposition of his ex. Even worse if the ex already has another partner in her own life. This is all in the past, you are his queen (see previous points), remember? It is okay to make your partner aware of how his kindness and helpfulness can be all directed towards you, but it should not be for his ex.

Alright, there it is, these are aspects in which you, the current partner ARE and SHOULD feel validated, correct, listened to, and entitled to in your relationship. No excuses from your partner. Really. But if you think/feel any of the aforementioned aspects are lacking and can be improved, go ahead and discuss it (in a direct, civilized, calmly manner) with your partner.

Best Regards