Greedy me, needy me...the situational crisis that I am in necessitates the need for three separate counselors. Each of my three counselors, for domestic abuse, work at different clinics and one works out of his church office. It will require only one if I and the Counselors connect.

Up until now I have only met with one, but I have scheduled meetings this week with the other two. I am hoping all three will prove to be very helpful in dealing with the PTSD, the depression, and the anxiety I am currently suffering

Yesterday I met with Mrs W. This was my third session with her. I am a little concerned that she is pressing me to meet with her, her husband (also a psychologist), and my husband. This concerns me because I know Mr R, my husband, met earlier yesterday with her husband. I am disturbed a little that she is pushing for marriage counseling at this stage in the process. I have not even begun to heal. Therapy is what my doctor ordered to help with the PTSD, depression, and high levels of anxiety. He did not send me for marital counseling. I am afraid that she may consider saving my marriage more important than helping me deal with my mental, emotional, physical issues.

I have already told her it was for that reason I was advised to get counseling. Not to fix my marriage. I told her as much when she asked me again yesterday if I was ready to sit down and talk with Mr R. I said no, firmly and emphatically. He has met only once with a counselor and I am fairly certain he has not yet admitted to his abuse.

Mr. R has denied abusing me to everyone. I have a strong feeling he denied it again yesterday when saw Mr W. Until he seeks real help for his abuse of me and until I am told by a licensed therapist experienced in abuse that he is significantly better, then I do not want to fix my marriage. That would be insanity. Mr. R can be downright charming to strangers, but I know the truth. I hate the thought that he is able to deceive my pastor and my psychologist. If he has convinces them that I am lying and that I am the abuser then that let's me know they are not wise enough to assist my recovery.

After she asked me if I was ready for couples therapy, I pulled out the letter my husband wrote to 3 days after getting out of jail. In it he admitted his culpability and his desire to come home. After she read that she did cease asking me that question again. Time will tell, but I might have to drop Mrs. W as a member of my "getting Sheila well" team.

If my pastor has been duped, after hearing what I told him in great detail about the abusive nature of my husband and my marriage. Then I will also need to find another church to attend. I need my pastor, above anyone else, to have the wisdom to hold Mr R accountable, to as is said, "hold his feet to the fire". He was an army chaplain for years, surely he has dealt with abuse before. If so, then he should know that Mr R is in denial or he is a liar. That is what abusers do. They project their own problems onto the victim.

I might have to show my pastor the letter I showed my counselor. But I imagine I really won't do that. I hate confrontations. I'll probably just leave my church. Speaking of church...Mr R picked up my granddaughter this morning to go to church. He's playing his sick, twisted game of pretend. Looking like a devoted Christian man while at the same time yelling at me, " you are the abuser" when I have tried, for the hundredth time, to get him to say " I am an abuser and I will get help."

So instead he is trying to keep his image unsullied. He would rather please man than please God. If he wanted to please God he would have to seek help for his problem and he would have to treat me with respect. So go ahead Robert, pull the wool over their eyes if you please, but you will never get me back playing games, lying, and laying the blame on your victim, me.

After writing me that one letter of contrition and admission, he has since resorted to blaming me, projecting onto me, manipulating everyone else, and using church as a ploy. It sickens me! People are responsible for what they choose to believe...lies or truth. Having to see him when he brings Miss M ( my granddaughter) to my home, or picks her up, is so hard on me that I usually cry, or get angry like today when he picked her up for church. Mr. Smiley Face is back....UGH! Look at me, Mr Innocent who attends church every Sunday while telling lies all week long. Sounds hypocritical to me, Mr . R.