This Article is About
battle of the bulge
stomach crunches
back surgeries
sweat pants
laundry room
greek god
state of panic
great abs
waistline
Middle Age Battle Of The Bulge
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War has been declared. My body has decided it was time to rebel against the will of my mind. The first battle has already begun. It is the Battle Of The Bulge.

Not too long ago, I had the body of a Greek God. (Don't ask my wife...she lies about everything) Then one day, I woke up like every other morning and discovered that I had put about 6 extra inches on my waistline. Must have happened overnight. (I had dreamed about the all-you-can-eat buffet at the local pizza house. That must have done it.)

In a state of panic, I ran (okay, I waddled) to the local bookstore and I grabbed up every book available that was related to getting great abs. I bought books about lower abs exercises, books about abs without exercise, You name it, I bought it. The disgustingly skinny freak behind the counter asked if my wife had sent me. I wanted to slap her.

Carrying home those books, I set myself a 30 day goal to getting great abs. I was going to start the minute I got home. But a funny thing happened on the way home. My body mounted a quick offensive maneuver against the will of my mind, and in a heroic charge, overwhelmed my mind with superior force. That is to say, I decided to read the books for a couple days, and get started later in the week.

Spent the next 5 days planning my counter-offensive in my mind, and got up early on the 6th day, prepared to do battle with the evil forces. Donning my trusty battle gear, (Sweat pants and an old Oklahoma Sooners t-shirt), I charged onto battlefield, (A rug my wife was kind enough to throw on the floor in the laundry room for me), and I assumed the position for what I was sure would be the first of a thousand stomach crunches.

But my body had spent the previous 5 days planning as well, and apparently, it had better strategy planning experts, because the minute I laid down flat on the floor, I remembered an old injury I had suffered that required me to have 2 back surgeries. Not only was stomach crunches out of the question, I was seriously concerned as to how I was going to get back up off the floor.

I knew my wife likes to sleep late, so she would not be any help. Have you ever tried to pull yourself up off the floor using the side of an appliance? Those things are pretty slippery, aren't they? On the third try, I began to get the feeling that I was being watched. Sure enough, when I turned around I saw the dog watching me. Did you know Chihuahua's can laugh? I never knew that about them.

I finally made it back to my recliner and grabbed up the book about how to get abs without exercise. This is going to be tough. It would seem with the baby boomers rapidly approaching Social Security age, someone would come up with a way to shed the middle age spread without exercise. Maybe then I can win this dang war.


Street Talk

sarah14  

update: June 2012 Author is failing badly. Current weight,approximately 250 lbs! LOL

Reply
  about 7 years ago
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