To Live Or Not To Live
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To Live Or Not to Live

"I'm sorry", is how I thought that I would begin"It's not your fault"..... I mean I didn't want anyone to blame themselves for what I had done, not my family, especially not my mother. Even though I never actually wrote this note, I did think about it quite a few times. There were times I'd sit and think about ways I could end my life, I didn't want do anything drastic, maybe an overdose, I'd always wanted to die in my sleep.

In spite of the fact that I was (and still am) a christian, even the thought of hell didn't scare me. Many times the only reason I didn't go through with it was because of my mother, I couldn't bare the thought of her finding my body or her receiving that call. Then finding out that I had done it, that her only child had killed herself. I knew that no matter what I'd write, she'd never forgive herself, she would think that she did something wrong. And that was something I just could not do, no matter how miserable my life was (or at least how miserable I thought it was).

Yet there was a voice in my head telling me that I'd be doing her a favour. I was nothing but a burden after all.....she sacrificed everything for me; her time (working 7 days a week), and every dime she made. With me out of the picture she could take care of herself for once, take that break she so desperately needed. As for the rest of the world, things would be pretty much the same. In my mind I was irrelevant, a disappointment at best; simply a waste of space, I'd quickly be forgotten, that's if anyone would even notice I was gone, that I had even been here.

But, I kept going, I kept living, if you could call it that. As time went by the hate I had for myself got more intense, I'd be walking to school and a thought would come to me to just step out in front of a speeding car as it passed by. The only problem was that I might not die immediately, and would have to endure a lot of pain or even worse, I might survive. I was empty and lost.

Then I finally discovered something, that I was loved and not just by my family but by the King of kings who thought that I was worth dying for. And as I studied His words, I soon realized that I did have a purpose, that I was here for SOMETHING. Despite the fact that I didn't know what that purpose was, it felt so good to know that I was here for a reason. I don't remember when this happened, or exactly how, but what I do know that God saved me from myself and feels so good. I had always been a christian but there's a difference between knowing something and believing it. When I truly started to believe that he died for me too, that He loved me endlessly too, I realized that my life is one worth living. The more I learnt about Him (God), the more I learnt how to love myself and in turn to love others.

I don't remember how long it took for me to finally overcome those negative thoughts, it sure took a while, but I finally have. Even so I'm not happy 24/7, there are things that still make me cry, but I have found this peace and no matter what I'm going through I have this peace, this hope I can no further explain than to say "God". I also listen to lots of motivational videos everyday, when I need boost.

Recent study by The World Health Organisation (WHO) estimates that each year approximately one million people die from suicide. This represents a global mortality rate of 16 people per 100,000 or one death every 40 seconds. It is predicted that by 2020 the rate of death will increase to one every 20 seconds.

I don't know what you're going through, and I might not understand, but I do know how you're feeling. And how ending it all seems like such a sweet release, freedom. I understand that it's not about anyone else but you, so hear this... you're worth it, you deserve to have a future and no matter what you're going through things can, they must and they will get better. You've been through too much, you've cried too often not see it through to that peaceful and happy future that awaits.

"The Lord is close to those who have suffered disappointment. He saves those who are discouraged. Good people might have many problems, but the Lord will take them all away." Psalm 34:18-19

"Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?"Matthew 6:30-31


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