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Why Can't Exes Become Friends? - The Truth
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Why Can\'t Exes Become Friends?  -  The Truth

When your ex proposed that you should stay friends after the breakup, you had no idea what to say. A part of you knew that it was a bad idea, but a part of you probably toyed with the idea. Nothing could be worse than being out of your ex's life entirely, right? Being friends had to be better than being nothing at all. You try to wrap your mind around the idea, and tried to justify away your own hesitations - but underneath all the pain and confusion you probably realized that a friendship was simply not going to work. There are many specific reasons for this uncomfortable, post-breakup truth. Understanding these reasons is imperative to moving forward and avoiding the pain that will result from attempting a friendship after the romantic relationship has already fallen to pieces.

If the breakup caught you completely by surprise, you're shocked as well as devastated. While breakups rarely happen cleanly, one that comes completely by surprise leaves more questions than answers. More often than not, the answers are not forthcoming. Your ex isn't likely to clue you in, and if you had all of the answers you most likely wouldn't be in this situation at all. The most pressing answer of all is whether or not there is a way you should be acting - and whether or not you want to conform to preconceived standards at all.

If you decide to give the idea of a friendship the green light, you're going to find that a lot of things stand in your way before you even get the chance to begin. First of all, one or both of you are going to have to deal with the fact that there were a lot of hurt feelings involved when the breakup happened. When jealousy and resentment rear their ugly heads, it's going to do some serious damage to your new "friendship". Additionally, explaining to a new girlfriend/boyfriend that you're still close with an ex is going to put pressure on your new relationship - as well as your friendship. They're not likely to understand why the two of you are still in touch - especially once you factor in the fact that the two of you used to sleep together.

While it is exceedingly possible to make the transition from friendship to romance successfully, it is impossible to complete the transition the other way around - without some dire consequences coming into play. Even if you try to pull off a "friends with benefits" scenario while the two of you are still single, you're likely to encounter a whole lot of difficulty, due to the nature of your previous relationship itself.

The reality is that one of you will always be looking towards a renewed relationship, while the other is perfectly content with things the way they stand. That variance in overall objectives is going to lead to resentment, feelings of jealousy or the underlying sensation that someone's needs are not being met - and that someone is more than likely going to be you.

The underlying reason that exes simply do not make good friends is because of the romantic, emotional and physical intimacy that they once shared within the bounds of their relationship. They're too connected, and in most cases, they've spent far too long intimately acquainted with every aspect of their lives to take a step back and try to view them in a purely platonic manner. How are things going to change when you start dating again? Will your ex shove you to the side as they start investing more time in their new fling and venturing away from the realm of a friendship with you? How will that new distance make you feel? It will probably feel similarly to the breakup itself, and it will leave you feeling broken, rejected and abandoned all over again.

Even the most innocent of friendships face their fair share of difficulties. Interpersonal relationships come with a hoard of baggage as two very different people try to relate to each other. There are differences of opinion, disagreements and difficulties surrounding every relationship. No one is going to agree on everything all of the time. When you try to make friends with your ex, however, the forces that work against normal friendships are going to be multiplied significantly. Reconciling these difficulties is going to be nearly impossible - and as time passes, these difficulties will be harder and harder to ignore - until they are altogether impossible.

The real question that you should be asking yourself is why you are entertaining the notion of friendship at all? Are your motives pure, or is there an underlying cause for your interest in the idea in the first place?

If you're hoping to use a friendship for the jumping off point for a renewed and revitalized relationship, you're putting all of your eggs in the wrong basket. If you agree to a friendship and nothing more, there's a chance that a friendship is all it will ever be from that moment on. If you become an active participant in the friend zone and you willingly place yourself there, it's easy to become tangled up in the friendship itself. Over time, that is all your ex will ever see you as - and that alone makes the opportunity for a new relationship impossible to accomplish.

You don't want to be trapped as "just a friend" in your ex's mind forever. You'll need to take a proactive approach to win your ex back, and that means you need to begin with a lot of research. Discover the methods that have been used by others in similar situations to put things back on a positive track and kick things off in a positive, productive manner. These methods have been proven time and time again, and they increase your chances of success tenfold. Combined with a concrete plan, these techniques are the key to unlocking your future relationship and beginning things all over again.

What’s Next?

You need to start with avoiding these break up mistakes. If you are guilty of committing any of these faux pas then you have to stop now before your ex starts seeing you in a negative light. Other than that, you need to watch out for signs ex still likes you. It is useful to know how they really feel about you at this point, only then can you get the confidence to pursue your ex and avoid making a fool of yourself if they do not feel the same way about you.


Street Talk

Wiliah  

Being in a band with my ex is the hardest thing ever especially since watching him play guitar was the thing that turned me on about him the most. Any advice for me?

Reply
  about 9 years ago
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