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An article written by Heather Bradford, called Your Children are not a Possession had my wife and I in a long discussion on the merits of parenthood. How do you judge if you are raising them right? Is it their young performance, their educational level, or their daily demeanour?
Thinking back to when our children were young, we analysed how we raised them, did we do what we though right then and in hindsight, would we do anything differently. We thought back over our own up-bringing, did our parents always treat us as we thought was right? Neither of us felt so, well not all the time, yet we're better off for it today, and why, because although it's not considered by us now correct, we still learnt from it.
There is no rule on how to raise a child, many books written by experts explain their own interpretations, but no matter what you do, it is a lesson for the child.
We will all make mistakes, our own interpretations, protections, and lessons we impart, considered in the child’s later years, as being incorrect, will pass them on differently. Is it then that we have made an error in judgement, have we taught our own child erroneously? I don't think so, any lesson, good or bad, remains a lesson learnt. The child when grown will remember these and not make the same mistake with their issue.
The important factor we decided, was the child must feel loved, punished when wrong with an explanation, but encouraged in all their undertakings. This is the grounding of raising children, love, nothing more and nothing less. Love for a child is not always saying yes, or giving what they ask for, but if a child's loved, the parent will do everything possible correctly, or how they interpret it as correct. Whether the child thinks it right, is another matter, but no matter what one does, it is right.
What is it we remember from our childhood? The good times. Sure, we remember times when admonished by our parents, maybe even receiving a spanking, but was it required, did we deserve it? Older age tells us most times yes, and more than likely the discipline received, deserved. In fact we often reminisce of these times, as having been good times and even laugh about it now.
As Grand parents, one watches how your own children raise theirs, and you don't always agree with their methods. Don't interfere, it's their job now, and you are not responsible. But remember one thing, you can treat the child in your own way, obviously within limits and not going against your own child’s wishes. But a sneaked chocolate here and there, a treat or two, a toy and that special love of a Grand Parent, is something a child will remember differently, to how they remember their own parents.
One good thing of being a Grand Parent, when the baby cries or soils the nappy, you can give them back to the parent.
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Shawn I'm sure you will, and you will enjoy them, and when small and they begin to smell it's easy you give'm back to mama
I agree joe Love something we all want but kids more so...
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A great article based on good values. When my daughter was still newly born I got so anxious about parenting that I read a lot of books about it. I've seen parenting gone bad and made the children regret. You are right about making them feel loved - this is something that the children will remember for the rest of their lives. One attitude I'm trying to strengthen now (although difficult to do) is not scolding when angry to stay logical when correcting and have better things to say. I hope I'm doing fine as a parent. Thanks for the tips.
I'm sure you are Lemuel, one can spank and still love all you got to do is tell them why they got the spanking and that its from love that you do it... I grew up with it and it did me no harm, but it did teach me right from wrong...
I found this article quite sensible--we, the educated, self-aware, modern-day folk, can almost always agree on the configuration of responsible parenting. And I will not bring down the mood here by bringing up the parents outside of this benign paradigm. But I'd like to comment on punishment--children, as you say, take away a lesson from every experience--and the lesson of shouting, anger or corporal punishment is never a good lesson. I'd have to admit, however, that in a world which includes the poorly-parented, it may serve a purpose in preparing our little angels to coexist with the less sociable, less civilized schoolmates. Thanks, Rob.
Good points made Chris... all lessons whether good or bad are an education... one from which each child learns, which will affect their own understanding on how to raise children...
That is a very interesting answer to Heather's article. As I have written to her I do not think it is realistic for parents to accept that the methods or choice are sometimes wrong. You said so yourself, you disagree with how your children raise their children. But I think that is only normal
Of course it is, my children might not agree with everything we did, but they still learnt from it. A lesson indeed, one they will not put their issue through, but something they will do differently, and hope it works.. it might not and their children might again do it differently yet it will always be a lesson no matter what generation...
It's interesting you should touch on this subject right now Rob. I'm just re-visiting a good book: "The Road Less Travelled" by M.Scott Peck, an American psychiatrist who goes deeply into this business of parenting and he (and I) would agree with you. Nice one.
Thanks Kim what's the saying great minds and all that....
Unconditional love is extremely important when raising a child. BUT, the child must hear it from the parents. Even when punishing my children, I explain to them after the lesson that despite their actions or my anger, I still love them. It always ends in a snuggle! I receive many compliments from strangers, teachers, and fellow parents about my children's demeanor, so I can only assume I'm on the right track! Having my children happy is top on my list, so it warms my heart when my children wake in the morning singing songs. Such a great way to start the day.
AJ if you are doing it right ... then we did it right... that is all we did, unconditional love, with a good explanation of why they were punished and that it was done out of love to teach a lesson... If your children grow up to be like mine... you will be so proud of them, as proud of them as I am of mine....
My mom did everything right. Even the wrong things were right because we learned from her. And she never withheld her affection. She would be my ideal role model for parenthood. Since I don't have children of my own, then maybe I'm not qualified to respond here. Nonetheless, I have ideas, and was a pivotal part of my nieces' upbringing. Of course Aunt Joan was mostly the adult playmate. I tried to give them space to speak their hearts out. I wanted them to always feel they were in safe company, without criticism for anything they were feeling. They could talk from the heart. They now tell me how much it meant to them.
Joan you hit the nail on the head, and just what I was trying to say in the article..Moms do everything right even the wrong things...because we learn from it.. An Aunt Joan is needed for every child, they learn so much from them, and I'm sure your nieces are very grateful for having you.. Grand Parents might just lead the kids slightly astray... I told my Grand son that the best part of a pudding is licking the plate... we sat at the table that evening and after dinner the pudding arrived... he licked his plate.. his mother and father were horrified.. his answer GrandPa told me to do it... I was in trouble but then I'm bigger than all of them they had to laugh...
lol... Rob, one of my fondest memories is when I licked the plate so clean that my dad announced it didn't need washing and promptly returned it to the cupboard. My mum really squealed and carried on about that but even as a child I think I got the humour in it and the memory was established forever! I've never considered that even when doing it wrong we are teaching our children a valuable lesson. I like that though. I have often shrugged my shoulders and said dryly " oh well, they can always get therapy when they're older". I should think about that and work out if I'm joking or being realistic about my parenting! lol Loved your article again, Rob, and thank you for mentioning mine even though it always makes me feel awkward when you do that! ;-)
True stuff! Raising babies into civilized beings is quite an undertaking. Nice article.
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