This Article is About
grief
breast cancer
brave face
creative side
terrible thing
demeanor
clinical trial
sanity
To Squeeg With Love: Why Grief Is Such A Weird Process To Undertake
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To Squeeg With Love: Why Grief is Such A Weird Process to Undertake

I must apologize. I never do this, ever. By "this", I mean write in the first person. I published a novel under an assumed name and most of my articles are clinical, detached. I tend to shy away from emotions and feelings and for my own reasons. However, for the sake of my sanity, I feel that I have to do this and here we go. I lost my sister. Rather, my sister died. She was young, she was healthy (until the breast cancer) and now she is dead. Now I am stuck trying to figure out how to go on with my loss.

My sister was the younger one but only in the sense of having had fewer celebratory cakes. She was always the more logical, reasonable and ordered one, even when we were children. She had her fanciful, creative side but never felt like she needed to hone her skills. I, on the other hand would write for hours on end, back in the days before home computers. If I wasn't writing, I was off reading. We had our secret games, our own language and our own jokes. I was her protector. She kept me from flying off from the middle.

Breast cancer is a terrible thing to face, no matter who you are or how old you are. She called me that night, panicked, the fear in her voice clear as a silver moon on a cloudless night. I went into big sister mode, calming her, assuring her that she would get it checked out and that she would be fine and if not, then we would face whatever it was, together. It was a Thursday, she had to wait until Monday for an appointment. Dear doctors, heaven forbid that you ever have to worry that you have a potential killer inside of you and that you would have to wait a full weekend to even get things checked out. Monday came and the news was grim and from that day on, the news was always the same; grim. She faced it with a brave face and a gracious demeanor but I know she was afraid.

After a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation followed by every clinical trial that she barely made it into, the doctors finally told her that they were at the end. There was nothing more they could do for her. She went into hospice and three weeks later, she was gone. I have reached for my phone to text her, to call her. I even went to snap a picture of my daughter in her school clothes, a tradition that we have had since the kid started school.

She was my only sibling, but more, she was my very first best friend and the one person I knew that I could always count on, no matter what. I do not know how I can face life without her.


Street Talk

Johnney  

Miss Amie, my condolences for your loss, and I know it is a loss. I also know first hand how painful and helpless one feels when trying to support a loved one through all the various treatments only to have this outcome. It has been 8 years since I lost my father to lung cancer, he fought valiantly for a year and a half. I still cry, I still miss him madly and I often consult him in my memories when I'm faced with a decision I am unsure of. His body is gone, but I carry his spirit and memory with me and in doing so, they carry me. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us and I pray for strength for you and your family during this time.

Reply
  about 1 decade ago

I lost my mother to Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma just after my youngest child turned 1 and then my grandmother to bladder cancer two years later. To help keep them "alive" for me, I tell stories about them to others. For my mother's birthday, Mother's Day and other holidays, my Facebook statuses are all mom stories - I even have some that are such favorites that they get "requested". I miss them still, of course, but it makes the pain less intense. I hope that I can do the same for my sister who will always be my Squeeg.

Reply
  about 1 decade ago
Amy4  

Amie, The love you have for your sister is why it is so hard right now...I hope that makes some sense. Please know that love will eventually help you turn that grief into happiness and energy to live your life to the fullest, the way your dear sister wants you to. You are in my prayers! God bless you Amie.

Reply
  about 1 decade ago

My youngest daughter and I are going to start doing runs- both for charity and fun runs in my sister's honor. We had planned to do the Color Run but the last day for sign up is today and I don't think I will be able to pull the money together this quickly (it snuck up on us during this hectic time.)

Reply
  about 1 decade ago
Kyle  

So sorry to hear about your loss Amie.. Be strong for you and your family, you will get through this. Although it may not seem like it now, there are sunny days ahead. Just know that your sister would want the utmost happiness for you going forward.

Reply
  about 1 decade ago
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