Champion Of Stupid
Join 1000's of Authors at StreetArticles Today!

Champion Of Stupid

I am the Champion of Stupid. I insist on giving away all my writing, poetry, drawings, and piano recordings—nobody wants them—but I started this before I knew that, so it still counts. I quit jobs (back when I had jobs) whenever I felt they were taking advantage. (They’re always taking advantage.) If I have money, I spend it all right away. My wife handles all of the bank accounts now—it’s better than the old days, when I would just spend all our money. I don’t care what I spend it on; I just don’t like having any. Spending is the only thing those awful, little slips of paper are good for. Have you ever taken a good whiff of a bill of tender? Gosh, that stinks.

I still smoke. Why shouldn’t I? I ain’t gonna live forever—must I spend every second shielding myself from every risky substance, every ultraviolet ray? People in cars make more toxicity in the near atmosphere than smokers could ever dream of—but we walk up and down the city sidewalks with those thousands of petroleum hookahs spewing chemical compounds that kill anyone stupid enough to start their car with the garage door closed. Is that healthy?

Besides, I’m not ashamed—if smoking kills me, it will be because of the pure Virginia Gold Leaf tobacco in my hand-injected, filtered cigarettes—delicious. Most smokers are so ashamed of themselves that they smoke some extra-light-something-or-other with no flavor and more chemicals than any other option—now why would anyone risk their lives on a bad habit and not even enjoy it? Where’s the sense in that?

My wife nick-named me ‘Bozo’ long ago. Now the grown kids call me Bozo, the nieces and nephews call me Uncle Bozo—if I ever have grandkids they’ll probably call me Grandpa Bozo. And as the Champion of Stupid, I would brook no other nick-name—it suits me to a tee.

I wear socks from different pairs—and I like colorful socks, so that can be quite a party between my shoes and my pants. Some people ask if I made a mistake and wore them by accident—other people think I’m trying to be fashionable—I really just do it because it’s easier and I like lots of colors. I also wear dumb pants and weird shirts—to me, it’s all the same thing. Wearing clothes the wrong way is just more interesting than being traditional.

I play the piano, but I don’t play rock’n’roll—not that I wouldn’t like to, but it’s too hard for me. I play folk song, swing ballads, old-timey stuff, Broadway tunes, classical, and like that… nothing anyone wants to hear. But that’s OK because I always play in my living room—I have no audience to please. It’s much more fun that way—and very non-competitive.

I learned to hate competition when I was a kid. I was bright and athletic and I won stuff a lot—it always made the other person feel bad. I prefer to work together with a team, or even just a partner, because then we both ‘win’. The competition I came to dislike the most was argument. When someone gets so wrapped up in an argument that they don’t care about who’s right, they just want to win the argument (a common occurrence) it drives me crazy. Who wants to win an argument and be wrong anyway? That’s crazy.

I give myself a crew-cut every now and them—I just get tired of hair, especially in summer. I just bought a beautiful, handmade comb from Amazon, but then I forgot and cut my hair off! My wife is enjoying the comb, anyway. I’ll have to wait till my hair grows back (on the sides, anyway—the top doesn’t need hair-care anymore).

I used to care about my appearance a great deal as a young man. I don’t know when that changed, but one day I just didn’t care anymore. It just struck me suddenly that as long as I didn’t walk out of the house naked, nobody could say anything worse than ‘you look like an idiot’—and that doesn’t bother me. I’m just glad I’m not disfigured—there’s an appearance issue that really bothers people (even me) so I’m lucky that I look just like a normal person looks.

Everyone hates the Jehovah’s Witnesses that knock on the front door—I invite them in and talk religion with them. But I give as good as I get, because I discuss religion and ethics all the time—it’s a hobby—and sometimes the kids they brought with them would get interested in what I was saying—then they had to leave. They don’t come anymore. But that’s OK, I don’t enjoy those discussions as much as I used to—I’ve been an atheist so long that I have trouble remembering not to refer to another’s theology as ‘fairy tales’.

I don’t mean to be rude, I just have no respect for the major faiths—the historic and archeological evidence shows them to be evolved from earlier religions—and none of their Gods seemed to realize that the Earth goes around the Sun, not the other way around, so what kind of God would that be? Please don’t respond to the previous with a long explanation of why I’m wrong—I’ve heard the arguments and am unconvinced—besides, that’s only one of the many reasons I can’t give any credibility to religion.

It’s a funny problem. Faith is so important (I even have faith—in myself) but it can also be defined as “Believing something is true without any good reason”. And that creates a problem for me—I can have faith in intangibles, but not in some specific messages left to our ancestors a few millennia before we knew any science. You could even describe me as a hyper-atheist, because I believe there is a great mystery to the creation of the universe, and a great mystery about our existence here on this special planet—I believe there are things far more incredible and unknowable than the human mind can fathom—that is obvious.

But to think that our ancient superstitions, evolved as they have become, could offer insight into a mystery even science hasn’t begun to penetrate—well, that’s just wishful thinking. Get real with yourself—this infinite universe, with its trillions of stars, and even more planets circling them, spreading away in every direction—that’s all about our human race, on this one planet, circling this one star? I’m the Champion of Stupid, not of Idiotic.

I like to eat candy and chocolate—most people don’t think it’s good for them—maybe it isn’t—I eat lots of it anyway. I’m still breathing. And I eat bacon—I’ll even eat a Slim-Jim (talk about unhealthy). I like canned hash, fried brown, with an egg on top and lots of ketchup. Hardly haute cuisine, I know, but I’m all about the comfort food. I like fluffernutter sandwiches, cream cheese and grape jelly sandwiches, apple slices with salt on’em, rice with lots of butter and sugar on top, and spinach with crushed Saltines.

I used to have lots of money and go out to fancy restaurants. We’d order warm duck liver with boiled partridge eggs and raspberry vinaigrette. We’d get pressed duck, pate de fois gras, and liverwurst—all such foods go through you, as Patton would say, “Like s__t through a goose”. Washing it down with White Bordeaus, Pouilly-Fuissé, and Châteauneuf-du-Pape, drinking espressos, lots of heavy deserts—I tell you, you can kill yourself in a fancy French restaurant. But everything was buttery, everything was rich—the Steak tartare is actually raw steak (with a raw egg mushed in)—but with chopped onions and capers and a little lemon juice, it ain’t bad. But, ever since the mad-cow scare, you don’t see steak tartare on most menus anymore. I ordered it once from a rogue restaurant that still offered it at the time, shocking my dinner companions—who didn’t realize they were dining with the Champion of Stupid.

Anyway, I got to where I would give my right arm for a ham sandwich or some tuna-noodle casserole. As fate would have it, I stopped going to fancy restaurants just about the same time the money to eat out fancy was drying up—so that worked out good. Having a charmed life is quite convenient when one is a Champion of Stupid—many of my adventures would have ended very badly were it not for my phenomenal luck. But relying on luck is stupid, so what choice do I have?

What are the advantages of my quest for inanity? Well, I get to be silly nearly every minute of every day, which I enjoy—I think silly is a huge untapped market—if anyone out there is into making money, make note. I also don’t have to worry about losing my dignity—I never have it on. And I enjoy the freedom of say, not liking cars—if anyone asks me, I tell them I hate cars, they scare me every time, tens of thousands of people die in them every year, and people lose their humanity, for some reason, behind the wheel of a powered vehicle—becoming more reckless just when we should be at our most careful. I was called for jury duty once; they wanted to put me on a case involving a pedestrian being hit by a car—I told them how I felt about cars and they grilled me quite strenuously, assuming that I wanted to get out of jury duty (I love jury duty—I’ve done it several times—but they don’t call anymore, either).

Why not champion being smart? It’s like this—smart people know how to get things done, how to stay with the herd—but I don’t have anything that urgently needs doing and I don’t care for the herd much. Smart people have very complicated and very compromised lives—I would rather forgo the competition over ‘whoever has the most toys when he dies’.

I learned a great deal when I was young—I went to seven different colleges (no degrees, though) and my early career in the dawn of personal computing had me learning a new programming language, a new user’s-manual, or a new machine’s control pad every week—and I was teaching as much of it as I could to my co-workers—so I had a lifetime’s worth of learning, memorizing, programming, teaching, and researching—and I just don’t have the drive anymore. Now I confine myself to the New York Times crossword puzzle.

I’ve always been stupid about music—when my peers were listening to Beatles, Rolling Stones, The Who, The Doors, and Dylan, I was listening to Peter, Paul and Mary, Ray Stevens, Neal Diamond, and Judy Collins. I listened to the other stuff too—but I didn’t confine myself to cool vs. uncool—I liked it all. And that was back when I placed some importance on being cool, so it was quite embarrassing. But what can I say? Stupid.

I don’t invite you, dear reader, to join me—I’m living my life quite stupidly, after all. And if I hadn’t started out smart, I probably wouldn’t be so good at Stupid—so, don’t try this at home.


Street Talk

Randy7  

Jeez, we have so much in common, I must be the co-champion of stupid. Thank goodness stupid is not a crime, yet !!

Reply
  about 5 years ago

It is if you do it right.

Reply
  about 5 years ago
You May Also Like
Being Spontaneity
If you’ve ever read a book The Yes Man (seen the film which isn’t nearly as good) you’ll know a thing or two about being spontaneous. For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, it is the story of a man who decides to say “yes” more often and…
By: Gemma Bailey in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Mar 24, 2016  
0
  Likes: 0

Happiness Means Live In The Now. Do Not Be Limited By Your Past!
What is happiness? We all think we know but when you try and define happiness it is very difficult as it means something different to each person. As a life coach I find consistently though that to be happy you have to accept the past, learn what you can from…
By: Tonette Kelly in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   May 04, 2011  
0
  Likes: 2

Making Your Kids’ Party A Blast With Party Inflatables
Entertainment is the more difficult thing to think through for a party when you are hosting a bunch of kids When planning for your dearest kid’s party, entertainment is the more difficult thing to think through. Since bunch kids are the main guests for any children’s party, keeping them entertained…
By: Zoe Myers in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Mar 13, 2015  
0
  Likes: 0

Some Common Pranks
Pranks are supposed to be harmless fun. One party gets surprised, while the other party has a good laugh. Normally, no one is hurt by pranks, and both parties remain friends and go on with their lives. One common prank is the senior prank that high school seniors pull shortly…
By: Hollie E. Townsend in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Jul 23, 2013  
0
  Likes: 0

What I Do
With many people, it is easy to tell what they do for a living. They wear a uniform that shows what line of work they are in, such as security, construction, or a business field of some sort. Unlike these people, I do not wear a uniform. Instead, I often…
By: Hollie E. Townsend in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   May 24, 2013  
0
  Likes: 0

Enjoy Monsoons, The Healthy And Happy Way!
Now that the monsoons are here, aren’t we all just waiting to run out the door and dance in the rain? It’s such a relief to be rid of that sweltering summer heat and just enjoy the pleasant coolness that the rains bring along with them. But hold on, before…
By: niks1 in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Jun 12, 2015  
0
  Likes: 0

How to Handle the Letdown After A Big Event
You have probably felt the letdown that is common after a highly-anticipated event. You spend days, weeks, and months preparing for the event, the big day finally arrives, you celebrate the experience, and then--suddenly--it is over. When the experience has passed, you might not know what to do. How will…
By: Hollie E. Townsend in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Jun 03, 2013  
0
  Likes: 0

Befriending Your Inner Critic
How we would all love to banish our Inner Critic. You know that terrible voice....the one that follows you everywhere. She has a snarky whisper that interrupts your happiest moments telling you it isn't real. The Inner Critic rains on your parade, tells you look fat in the slinkiest dress…
By: Jane Eyre in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Dec 12, 2011  
1
  Likes: 1

Could You Give Up Television?
People love television. Many people have favorite shows that they watch on a regular basis. They look forward to their shows, and they see their television time as a time to relax. There are other ways to relax, however, that do not involve sitting on your butt. One way to…
By: Hollie E. Townsend in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Jun 28, 2013  
0
  Likes: 0

Twenty Things I Want
Most people have things that they want. Perhaps they want a pet. Maybe they want a particular item of clothing. They might also have things that they want to do, or people they want to meet. Like them, I have things I want. One thing I want is a good…
By: Hollie E. Townsend in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Aug 14, 2012  
5
  Likes: 1

What is the Most Important Thing In Life That is Not Taught Anywhere? What is One Single Thing That Every Person Wants the Most? Why the Content Of T
What do we want the most in our life? If your answer is money…..that is wrong !! Some people don’t want money, because they have a lot of it. Some have so much money that they even give away some of it, like Bill Gates & Warren Buffett who donate…
By: Malek Moqaddam in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Apr 29, 2014  
0
  Likes: 1

Do You Sing In the Shower?
Your shower is part of your daily routine. You might shower in the morning, before leaving for work or school, or perhaps you shower at night to wash off the dirt from your day. While you are soaping up your body and washing your hair, do you sing? There are…
By: Hollie E. Townsend in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Feb 11, 2013  
2
  Likes: 1

In the Mirror I See, In the Mirror I Look
What becomes of the next second is what you make of the existing second. This is the essence of life and this is the core to your success and eventual Happiness. Why eventual and not immediate you may well ask? The answer is simple, all things manifest themselves according to…
By: Anthony A Universal Friend in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Dec 05, 2011  
0
  Likes: 0

Free Games Video Of Charge Tv For Pc Tuner to Get Laptop Computer
Because of which in turn diet regime capsules suppliers commenced giving a presentation zero cost diet regime capsules plus merchandise examples pertaining to shedding pounds. top free mobile games Goal regarding suppliers driving most of these freebies seemed to be to produce the merchandise available that will users similar to…
By: appgamenews in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Nov 24, 2015  
0
  Likes: 0

My Bucket List
Death is a part of life. We see and hear about death every day in movies and television shows. Newspapers cover stories of car accidents, plane crashes, and various other accidents in which people are killed. Lives are cut short, and loved ones are forced to deal with the loss…
By: Hollie E. Townsend in  Self Improvement  >  Happiness   Mar 07, 2016  
5
  Likes: 2

Article Views: 902    Report this Article