Tell a kid that he has to learn a second language in high school and watch him groan and moan. Show him the list of words he will be learning in the early days and he will really go full on crybaby. After all, when is he going to work that whole “yellow school bus” stuff into a conversation with his friends? Who is going to care that he has a pencil or a new book and if he walks around introducing himself to the kids he has known for nine or ten years already, they are going to think he cracked. But, if you tell those same kids that you are going to teach them some really cool French words, you will not only see some signs of life but some very avid students for sure.

So, imagine you are a teen and you have sauntered up to the latest meeting of the Slouch and Mope Society, your dark clothes and pale face eerily similar to the rest of the crowd. Everyone else is grunting in monosyllabic words and unintelligible sounds and you walk up with the same blank stare as everyone else. Amid the nothing that is being barely said you announce: “ j’ai marche dans de la merde” and let everyone take in what you have just said.

No one understands it, but my goodness, doesn’t it just sound so cool? Once you tell everyone what the cool French words you just said actually mean, that’s it, you have a group of devoted disciples. You can say these words to your mother and she will smile and think that you are actually starting to apply yourself at school, unless she knows the cool French words too. Be careful who you show your new found knowledge off to! Remember, yours is not the only generation to be interested in new ways to confound and befuddle those around them, nor are you the only group that needs to circumvent the rules of foul language.

If schools would only teach some of the cool French words, the words you can rattle off to flirt with someone or to insult someone without having to use the same tired clichés, the classes for foreign language would be filled to capacity all of the time and foreign language club meetings would be a lot more colorful, to say the very least. But, there is a limit to the cool French words that even the most progressive teacher of the language of love would dare to teach his students. Hushed whispers that Monsieur is teaching the cool French words for the naughty bits of the body or the baser body functions will quickly swirl around and Monsieur will find himself “etre dans la merde” for sure.

Of course, the school won’t teach you the really cool French words directly, but if you have a basic grasp of the language and a naughty book, you can learn the really fun ones for yourself.

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