From Wedding To Unhappy Marriage
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From Wedding to Unhappy Marriage

Marriage (also called matrimony or wedlock) is a socially or ritually recognized union or legal contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them, between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. Source: Wikipedia

I know I am addressing at least 53 % of all people presently married in USA, because that is the latest divorce rate. If you also add those who are living in a marriage that for some reason is far from what it "should be", then add another 20% - 25%. In other words it's a staggering figure.

So why is it that marriage is not working these days, in spite of the same old promise "till death do us apart"? It’s a fact that everything changes, so the times we live in may not be suitable for living in matrimony at all. We are becoming more independent, and that means more selfish. And since being married calls for unselfishness, we have a real conflict already there.

It looks like we are not preparing ourselves enough for what one day will come after we get married. All the myths around marriage are still alive and well even today. The cost for an average wedding inn USA is on average an astounding US$ 25.000 and you show me another “project” where people are willing to spend that type of money for basically a ONE DAY party!

The unreality is created through all the wrong messages we have received since childhood and right up to the age were we get married. The fairytales all ends with “and they lived happily ever after” after the Princess got her Prince. The songs about love.....gives the same wrong message like “ I was born to love you”, “my life is nothing without you”, “I rather have a bad time with you, than a good time with someone else”, “ I will love you forever” and “I will never leave you”..... and it goes on and on....The unreality are repeated enough times so we might believe that there is no difference between reality and dreams.

So are we going into marriage totally blindfolded? In many ways it looks like that. A recent survey at Clark University Poll of Emerging Adults, found that 86 percent of people – single and married – aged 18 to 29 expected their marriages to last a lifetime! Compare that with the divorce figure. It is obvious we still live in this unreal world. An old Catholic priest told me these words of truth:" Love makes you blind, but marriage is an eye-opener"! I have known of couples who were so busy being in a loving relationship and planning to get married, that they “forgot” to talk about how they looked upon life if they were to go through it together! They totally forgot to include plans about their future family. So if that was you, most likely you got “an eye-opener” after you had been married for a while.

Another reason is obviously it's no big deal to be divorced in most of today's societies. In fact, in all papers legal or not - there is a box to check for option "divorced". It was "unheard of" two generations ago when you talked about divorce. "You've made your bed and you'll have to lie in it"! The morals were different in those days, people had usually more time for each other, and most likely couples were more willing to go through hard times. Of course when we go back to the times when women were married as a way of economic security, the conditions for marriage were also totally different from today.

The work environment we deal with nowadays often demand that employees have to spend extra time after work with work mates, and this not only take away precious time that could have been spent to nurture your marriage. It also often adds the temptations to have affairs with others, something that is a choice for many, even for those married, but maybe not “happy enough” any longer. So opportunities exist today that didn’t exist before, and we are influenced by it and many take advantage of it. This helps to bring up the numbers on the divorce statistics.

In the busy often separate (work and social) life married people have today, it is way too often forgotten that also a marriage need to be nurtured. Or rather maybe we didn’t realize it? A sad fact is that many spouses don’t include this life-giving support when they get on with their marriage. To take someone for granted is the sure way to a failed marriage. One of our basic needs is to be loved. However, when still only in a relationship, it is often taken for granted that you SHOULD make impressions on the other, making regular dates, doing all sort of different activities and travels. And I wonder "why is that this seems to be so conveniently forgotten when you get married? Here are some of the reasons why a good marriage (which most of them are in the first few days!) turns bad:

• Not communicating about what's important (for both)

• Stop paying attention to each other

• Start paying more attention to outside interests and not including the other

• Not willing to spend quality time together inside or outside of the home

• Not showing respect for each other

• Being judgmental or overly critical

• Keep bringing up the past

• Jealousy ( if you are jealous – seek help to save your marriage )

• For valid reasons or not – not completely trust in each other

The best way to avoid an Unhappy Marriage is of course to be well prepared. We are not educated in being married unless we educate ourselves. Make sure you prepare the ground and make a solid foundation on which you can build your own future together with your spouse. Make sure you are the best of friends. Be open and share everything with each other. Do not keep secrets. Be honest. Make sure you talk about important things like work, family and future kids together. Be aware of in-laws! If you still after doing this important groundwork are still not convinced, then it’s better to be safe than sorry. Call it off – and remember that there is always two sides of a coin. Life being alone in a good relationship with yourself can be much to prefer than being in a bad relationship with someone else!


Street Talk

great article looking forward to more

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  about 8 years ago
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