Last week I shared my thoughts about the power of the written word and how much of a loving legacy you can leave for your child, spouse, parent or whomever else you love by writing a message that will remind them how special they are, even years down the road. I am now going to expound upon this basic premise. With two days left before Christmas, and the majority of men are in their annual corner into which they have painted themselves. I am not suggesting that there are no women who procrastinate, but I dare you to walk through a mall right tomorrow and chart the ratio of men to women shoppers. I am throwing you a life line. The premise that I would like to reiterate is that your gift does not have to be material. Do not underestimate these words.

I have been married for just shy of twelve years and I know my husband has an anxiety attack about what to get me for my birthday, Christmas, anniversary – basically any occasion that puts pressure on men to express love and appreciation. Nothing could be more unnecessary than these anxiety attacks. For me, and many women that I know, the gesture, the effort, the non-material gift is the most memorable and appreciated. I have enough perfume, jewelry, and clothing, that I have serious issues storing all of it. Not to mention my taste is what is universally referred to “picky”. I want neither my husband to suffer from anxiety, nor a sweater that I will never wear but am obliged to say I love. Do I have your attention? This is a win-win.

Every day we have recurring domestic chores, obligations, responsibilities. I am not a fan of the recurring part. We have some semblance of division of labour, but I am not only picky about my clothing and jewelry, but also how the dishwasher is loaded, how the laundry is folded and stowed, and how the fridge is managed. These are all things that need to be tended to, sometimes a few times a day.

I propose that you select your love’s most contentious chores in the house and master them. You do not even have to do it every day and you do not have to do every single chore. Choose a couple that you know she really loathes and take them off her hands for part of the time. Lighten the load. Write a beautiful card, and if you are not a natural wordsmith, ask for help, mine the internet, or be honest and say you are not the best at writing and write something awkward but sincere. The point being – make a genuine effort! Let’s take my peeves as examples.

I have a thing with dishes. They should not live on counters or in the sink. If the dishwasher is not full, they can go in there. If the dishwasher is full, unload it. See where this is going? The point is, this is important to me. It costs nothing and takes minutes. I hate doing it, but I do it anyway, but it is over before I know it. Respecting this small issue and showing me that it is recognized as important to me is a big, big deal. If you do not like this chore either, it is that much more meaningful.

I have no problem doing the laundry. I would even say I do not mind doing it. What I do not like is putting it away. Ten points for guessing what I am going to say next. Write me a card saying, “Honey, I know you despise domestic departmentalization of dastardly duds, so your husband will hunker down to hang hundreds of hoodies to help his harried heart’s hunger for harmony. Cheesy? Absolutely. But I would be thrilled to get this kind of wonderful effort into making a chore that I cannot stand, something that I can count on being a less frequent task for me. Let’s be honest. I know it will not be a promise that anyone can keep with one hundred percent certainty, so I am leaving some wiggle room for reality.

I am not suggesting you leave out the token gift. Get something if you must, but strive to make it meaningful, not monetary, and related to the promise or experience you intend on giving. For the laundry example, get a simple, inexpensive garment that you know will get used and say that she will never have to put it away. If your vow is to dominate dishwasher duty, get a mug that says it will always find its proper place in the dishwasher and not be in the way of the cheese grater. I know this is not fancy stuff, but I am a fan of getting and receiving what we need, more than what we want. You may be surprised how welcome this concept would be, just be prepared to back it up and honour what you are offering.