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The Grandeurs Of Marriage – Or A Disappointing Aftermath
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The Grandeurs Of Marriage – Or A Disappointing Aftermath

How we dream before we marry!

Are you living the married life you dreamt of and discussed when engaged? How high did you fly then, and when did reality set in?

You plan to climb the mountains, to stand together and survey the plains, to travel the back roads together and discover a new world not yet found. The children, a boy first and then a girl, as easy as that, made to special order, they're delivered without any pain or problems. The house out in the country, the holidays at the beach, the cars one always wanted, all within easy reach. Ah, the dreams made together, the realities something different.

The wedding is over, the honeymoon too, and then the realities of marriage, the permanent fixture, comes all too soon. Was this what one pictured? So many marriages become a wake up call within the first few weeks of permanent life together. The husband's hidden habits, the wife's too, not something discovered before the time begin to scratch the tolerances of the other. These are the smaller things if not confronted early can destroy a marriage before it has begun.

So many couples, frowned upon for living together before the ceremony, discover these nuances of the other and either learn to tolerate or accept change before a permanent bond made. The love of one for the other, on many occasions creates an understanding of the small things that evoke agitation, and with clear communication, adjustments are easily made. Harmony in the home, and understanding that the other is an individual, yet part of a pairing, the secret to a happy marriage.

The wake up call is normally felt later in conjoined life, when the first desperate love for each other begins to wane, the discovery of becoming complacent. The high life of engagement and pursuit now over, the man will normally feel that the quarry is firmly captured. The women will begin to miss the evenings out, the very pursuit the man evinced, the wooing, the courting, the attention that he gave. This is when the niggles begin, this is the realities of life. The neolithic existence of the capture and enslavement of a women, the “beat her on the head and drag her home”, attitude of some men only manifests itself after the fact. His difficulty of sharing an income that he has in the past controlled himself, for himself, now a bone of contention.

Women beginning to set up a home, may have other ideas of how to create it, this easily a different idea to the man’s. His bachelorhood days of less needs, happy with a beer and a pie, and the woman's need to create her nest, her environment her home, a natural-born instinct. Few man can grasp this need, to understand that she's already thinking of the future children, that you discussed many months or years ago. The finances no longer stretch as far as they did, the living from pay-day to pay-day a reality. What of the dreams of country houses, the cars to boot, the adventures planned, the holidays at the beach, all seem now so far beyond reach.

This is when a marriage made or broken, this is the time that the very basis of a marriage called to the fore. Love and understanding, compromise, planning, team building and a will to persevere, this is what makes the long time marriages. Not a difficult negotiation, the realities fairly obvious, the time of clear-headed decisions that concrete the foundations of the future.

The arrival of the first-born, was the delivery as planned, the sex of the child required received, the pain of delivery bearable, the man certainly never felt a thing. This is when a wife changes her loyalties, she changes from being a wife, to that of a mother. Her priority, her offspring, he or she has been with her for nine months, nine months longer than with the man, the attachment a natural instinct, the protection and nurturing her top precedence. This now for some men difficult to handle, they love their child, yet miss the undivided attention, a dangerous time in the marriage as some, (and I say some) easily now mislead. The craving for that attention may lead to the out of marriage affair, a time for understanding that ones marriage will never again be the same, and now to adjust to the future anew, readjusted with reality in mind.

This is where the true commitment to each other, realisation that the pre-arrangement, the plans made years ago, are now never, or nearly always never, going to reach fruition. No one can predetermine the future cost of children preceding their birth, all planning of years ago, fast discovered a dream upset by mother earth. Yet this is the time when a re-commitment to each other, normally guarantees a long and happy union.


Street Talk

Great article Rob your writing is so fluid, great insight.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Thank you Mark, thank you for reading and commenting..

Reply
  about 5 years ago
C4rmen  

You write with wisdom and experience. Nice article Rob.I think for anything worthwhile and lasting both parties have to give and receive in the relationship. Otherwise things just get way too out of balance, and growth stops dead, especially when the 'afterglow' is gone.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

You are so right C4rmen, not agreeing with the writing with wisdom and experience, but with the bit about the give and take, give none and take none is the end of many a marriage. Another thing I've learnt from a long marriage the longer it goes on the more one understands the others nuances, I know when Linda would rather just sit quietly without talking and she the same with me, and that is the sign of knowing each other. To be in ones company and to enjoy each other without a word being said, true understanding. Amen end of the lesson.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Dear Rob, This is great stuff, a very good job.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Thanks Alfred.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Another great article! Always hit to the point!

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Thanks Maria, I like to shoot from the hip.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Another pleasure to read... and to think about, Rob. Appreciate your expressions of your thoughts so much. That teamwork so lightens and enlightens the journey.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Thank you Sherry always nice to have you around.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Like anything in life, if you are serious about commitment, you make it work. My marriage taught me all about compromise and team work. Another good one Rob.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Could not agree more Shawn!!

Reply
  about 5 years ago

50 years for us and you bet it can be complicated and tough. We grew up in a generation where quitting because things were tough was not an option. If you make it through the tough times you will be the stronger for it.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Good one John, two questions, 1) was the first fifty years the worst? 2) Do you remember any of the bad times? LOL

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Well since my wife might read this I decline comment on the first question. Yes I do remember a few of the bad times. Most of them caused by me.

  
  about 5 years ago

It was just my Grand father at his fiftieth said the first fifty were the worst, at his sixtieth he said the first sixty were the worst, I was merely wondering if you agreed. But if the wife is going to look then I'm sure your first fifty were GREAT.

  
  about 5 years ago

If you think the birth of a baby is a struggle, wait 'til menopause comes. Talk about questioning things. Both parties start questioning lots of things. The kids are grown. It's just the two of you. One, or both, change, alot, over the past 20-30 years. This creates struggles you could never have imagined. Not to be a downer, but.....this is one tough time.

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Dr Becky, having been through this with Linda years ago, I have an idea how difficult it is for you, Linda with her hormone block treatment for the cancer went through it a second time, I received a medal. I feel an article coming on here, "surviving menopause - a husbands story"

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Can't wait to read your article. Wayne should write one, too. I'd love to see the story from your side.

  
  about 5 years ago
Barbara9  

fantastic article

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Thanks Barbara9

Reply
  about 5 years ago
joe witt  

Great insight Rob

Reply
  about 5 years ago

Thanks joe

Reply
  about 5 years ago
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