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I'm Fifty, Fifty Years Old And I Like To Wear Moisture Wicking Clothes
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I\'m Fifty, Fifty Years Old And I Like to Wear Moisture Wicking Clothes

Molly Shannon, of Saturday Night Live fame, once played a character named Sally O'Malley who was so proud she was fifty years old, that she shouted, "I'm 50, 50 years old. 50 years old. I like to do plies. 50 years old.". She wore a tight red jumpsuit and proceeded to jump around the SNL stage as she proclaimed her vigor at 50. Well, I turned 50 the other day, but I don't have a tight red jumpsuit (although most of my clothes are pretty tight these days), nor am I jumping for joy. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's better than the alternative. I'm glad to be among the living for sure. However, I must have more aches and pains that Mrs. O'Malley, because I can't seem to jump around like that anymore, and I'm pretty sure I'm not doing "plies", whatever that is.

I do have more knowledge now and hopefully more wisdom than I did 20-30 years ago. Here are some of the things I may have learned down the road to 50.

Memories

They say all old folks have left are memories. Well, if that's true, I'm out of luck, because I cant' remember anything anymore. I was so sure I had Alzheimers, I Googled foods I should eat to protect against the disease. How do I know if it's working? If I have Alzheimers, I won't know and if I don't, how come I still forget things? See? Now, I am able to remember the time I hid outside my kindergarten all day, because I had just got a haircut and I didn't want my picture taken for picture day. I cannot remember what I just wrote in the first paragraph, however. I guess that's short term memory versus long term. Well, I guess I learned that memories are good, but it's better to continue to make them than to sit around and think about them all day.

Exercise

I used to play lots of sport, with track being my favorite. I ran on the high school track team and I ran 3 times a week as I got older. My favorite birthday present was a waterproof IronMan Triathlon watch that my wife gave me. I could time my mile splits, thus ensuring that I was indeed getting better each day and not older. One fateful day, I tried to pull a bench seat out of a mini-van and I heard a loud pop. My back was never the same and my running days weren't either.

I began running last year again, in my backyard with my dogs. I thought I would show Father Time he couldn't beat me. I worked on short sprints, all the time racing my Maltipoo, ChiaPom and Lab mix puppy. As I worked on "bounding" exercises, in mid stride, I once again heard a loud pop and fell to the ground as if I had been shot. I pulled my calf muscle. I could barely walk the next month and had to explain to workers that at age 49, I was racing dogs in my backyard. If they didn't think I was already weird, they changed their mind. Lesson learned? The Olympics aren't calling me anytime soon. I should ease back a bit and exercise moderately and enjoy it.

Turn the Heat Up

I've become my grandparents, or at least my wife's grandmother. Whenever we went to her house (she died at 103 years of age but at the time she was well in her 90's), it was like walking into a tropical rainforest. It was blazing hot and humid, with her furnace running wide open. This would be all year long she would do that. Thank the Good Lord she had window unit air conditioners in the bedroom where we slept. Fast forward to today, where it is the middle of summer and I will check my mailbox wearing my favorite moisture wicking clothes: polyester blended warmups, shirt and wool socks. That's because I now sweat just going outside to the mailbox and this unbelievably hip, new wardrobe keeps me dry.

In the summertime, you might hear me shout "Who jacked the air down so low?" to my household and in the winter, you might hear me say "Turn the heat up. It's cold upstairs." I am thinking "Oh, no...I'm only 50 and I have become my wife's grandmother." I don't have a furnace, but I do own space heaters. Lesson? Don't think something will never happen to you because you never know. Yep, that's the lesson.

Conclusion

I have actually learned more than those life lessons, if I could just remember them all. But, I don't think I should follow Salley O' Malley's example of shouting how great it is to be 50, but I do think it's okay to live with my problems, wear my (I think they're hip) moisture wicking clothes and learn to appreciate being 50. Hhhhmm, I bet I could do plies if I really tried. Whatever they are.


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