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The New Iphone 5 Still Doesn't Have A Keyboard
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The New Iphone 5 Still Doesn\'t Have A Keyboard

"2015: Apple releases an update to an existing product during that product's announcement." - Someone on Facebook

^That was a disclaimer. Nothing I'm about to say will make sense.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

The new iPhone 5 has been announced, and lo and behold, it's the same thing we had last year, only with a little bit more of this, a touch more of that, and a hint more of this and that. Let's all pretend like this is a big deal. Go crazy, everyone!

Wanted a bigger screen with HD? You got it.

Wanted a slimmer, sleeker, smexier design? You got it.

Wanted a slightly longer battery life? You got it, you got it, you got it!

Here's an abridged list of all the new stuff Apple added to their cash cow:

- Longer screen with 16:9 viewing support

- Slimmer, smexier design

- Longer battery life

- Better camera

- Better reception (on a phone--how generous)

- Better earbuds and speakers

- Better reception, Wi-Fi

- Lighter

"The revisions, according to a video on Apple’s Web site, are the products of hours and hours of industrial design and engineering work." - The Washington Post

What the hell, industrial designers.

Okay, so Apple prioritizes battery life above all else. Switching over to Sony technology to make something do something somewhere to increase battery life makes sense--great job. Oh, and the larger screen really helps us readers out there. Glad to have new speakers and earbuds, too.

But Tim, if you really valued battery life, shouldn't you be investing in, I dunno, solar technology by now? Calculators have been rocking the panel scene since before it was chic. iPhones everywhere should know how to sunbathe too.

I bet the new earbuds still die in three months, though.

And where is my 4G network. Where is my 4G network, Apple.

I'm not going to pretend like I've always wanted to cop the newest iPhone, unlock it, and stash some adult movies and pirated games on it or anything (because I totally never have), but it is beginning to irk the crap out of me that Apple is holding out on installing a keyboard into their bad boy. It WILL happen, I've seen it, I'm psychic. In fact, it doesn't take an industrial design degree to know that this can be implemented tomorrow--in the brand-new iPhone 5, in fact--and probably with very minimal work and cost. This crappy Sidekick 4G I'm holding right now is proof of that.

You may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me. Well, I'm a writer. I make up stories for a living, and occasionally muse about it. One of the steps in my writing process involves having a peripheral on me at all times for jotting down inspired ideas. I don't exactly keep post-its in my back pocket, Apple. I rely on my phone for that.

In case I didn't make it clear before, my phone sucks and I hate it and I will to kill it with fire the moment I find something better.

So help me out here, Apple. I don't want to spend extra money on third party peripherals. I'm niche. And you don't need to put out some kind of phone iteration of a Lamborghini, with reception that could reach the moon or a solar-powered battery or waterproof technology or anything that would do NASA and the rest of humanity proud. Just add a keyboard for the writers out there. That's all. The technology exists, and worse companies than you are employing it. Stop playing the obsolescence game. Capitalism is dying.

I'll mow your lawn, anything, please.


Street Talk

I just shared this on every social platform available!!! This is so funny. I think you're a great writer and soo look forward to reading more of your work :)

Reply
  about 7 years ago

Wow, thanks! Really glad to hear you enjoyed it. :D

Reply
  about 7 years ago
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