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Decathlon Olympics Training For Old People
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Decathlon Olympics Training for Old People

The word decathlon means 10-events designed to destroy the human body. That includes the neck, back, elbows, wrist, hips, knees and ankles. However, winning a major decathlon could mean getting your name, picture, and cereal- eating-history on a box of Wheaties®. Now l buy Wheaties® by the case so if the award includes a one year supply of Wheaties®, it is certainly worth shooting for.

I’m in!

They have the same sport for women but my wife, a Waffle Crisp® eater, says she is not going to attempt her decathlon because she destroyed her knees years ago running around the track at Iowa State University. Running can be delirious to your health. Her hips are shot too.

They have seven (7) events in the Woman’s Decathlon to prove that women are much more efficient than men.

I say, “Then it isn’t a decathlon, is it!”

But allegedly, in one recent event in Mexico, all eleven starters in a locally sponsored decathlon made it across the border, but two almost died in the mile-run across the Sonora Desert. They now live in Mesa, Arizona except one who works as herd master in a local dairy here in Buhl, Idaho.

His name is Fernando Lopez and he claims that he actually set a record in the run when fired on by a border patrol helicopter. Fernando is married to Alma and they have three sons and a goat named, Juanita.

We will skip the history of the Decathlon. We are not the History Channel. Why is it always the Greeks who get the credit? Bob Mathias was only 17 when he won the Decathlon in the Olympics and, despite his name, he was not Greek. He was an All American from California. Since he was only 17-years-old when he won the Decathlon in the London Summer Olympics in 1948, it can’t be that hard to win, can it?

The 10 Decathlon events are carried out over two whole days. Our events have been modified by the Association of Octogenarian Athletes which is sanctioned by the AARP and Al Gore. The first performance of the Decathlon for Octogenarians, the Octogenarian Olympics, will be two weeks from next Friday. So far the O.O. Committee has not heard from the International Olympic people but they do not expect to be sanctioned for the first Octogenarian Olympics. This is a huge disappointment since the O.O. Committee had their application in last Tuesday.

Day One

100 m dash – This event has been replace by the 15-yard hobble. No walkers are allowed in the Octogenarian Olympics so don’t plan on using them here. Shorts must reach to less than 3 inches above the knee and hairy men must wear a T-shirt.

Long jump – This event has been changed to the Short Jump. The board to heal distance shall be measured by the International Meter hidden in a vault 300 meters underground in a cave in France somewhere South of Reins. Anyone jumping over 2.5 meters shall be checked for steroids and proof of age.

Shot put – The new ball weighs only one (1)kg or 2.2 lbs (the Committee is still pondering which measurement to use). Three tries are allowed and one must include the shot put.

High jump – The landing “pit” has been replaced by a 17 meter long trench full of ocean salt water and Bull Sharks. After a successful jump, the jumper than swims to the end of the trench. The score is the height of the jump in centimeters minus the swimming time in seconds. If a jumper gets “shark fright,” and does not swim all the way to the end of the trench, he is disqualified. If he never shows up at the end of the shark trench, his name is scratched from the list of entries as if he had never tried out for the Octogenarian Olympics.

400 m – The event is now the 40 meter walk and chat. No running or jumping or skipping is allowed but crawling across the finish line is allowed. Participants must talk at all times.

Day Two

110m Hurdles – Is now the now the 12 meter hurdle and the hurdle which is 25.4 cm or 10 inches shall be located at the 6 meter mark.

Discus Throw – The discus is now the hockey puck toss. The contestant has to throw the discus within a 20-degree sector.

Pole Vault - The pole is 1.4 to 1.5 meters long. Each player has to swing over a crossbar using the upper end of the pole. Going under the cross bar does not count. A contestant is allowed to use a crutch if so equipped.

Javelin Throw - This is now the dowel rod toss which rod shall be 1.5 meters long and 1.2 cm in diameter. The end must be sharpened so that carp can be speared and removed from a tank. The carp are to be weighed, the highest catch getting the highest score. (Note: Carp may be retained and cooked for dinner. They should be baked on a well-seasoned board. After baking toss the carp and eat the board. You can take the skin from one carp and then another and make a fine wallet. This is called carp-to-carp walleting.)

1500 m run – Is now Pack Up and Get Into Your Car. No worry to worry about who the winner is. Some folks wont finish until tomorrow.

The Octogenarian Olympics has not yet reached my home state of Idaho but I expect it to be here as soon as it is certified by the International Olympic Committee. It will almost be as exciting as Dairy Days in Wendell, Iowa which has a great parade with one milk truck after another. I go for the free milk, cheese and candy.



Street Talk


You are too funny! Love this article and it will give me something to aspire to in...well, a few years. You are a shoe in to win your events and should someone forge ahead of you, you can always make them laugh...that should Slow Them Down. 3 Cheers for the milk, cheese & candy!

  about 9 years ago

Well, there is a fairly good Mexican restaurant in Wendell so the drive is not wasted. J

  about 9 years ago
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