Being gay is like having asthma. You do not choose it; it is part of who you are as much as the mole on your arm or the colour of your eyes. Where the similarity ends is that asthmatics do not get persecuted for requiring an inhaler. With less than two months left until the opening ceremonies kick off the games in Sochi, the Russians better get their “gaydar” on because the Sochi International Airport is going to be crawling with the very people that Putin and his knuckle-dragging cronies abhor.

As a resident of two former Olympic Winter Games host cities, my interest is particularly piqued at today’s front page news that the leader of our largest trading partner is “gaycotting” the upcoming games. Call it a scheduling conflict, call it a snub, I call it a flamboyant gesture. Obama is also sending proud, openly gay delegates to boot. Billy Jean King and Brian Boitano will represent the U.S. in an official capacity, but more significantly, as human beings who have the right to choose with whom to have a relationship.

I would like to share my thoughts in the forms of lists:

United States Delegates Chosen by Obama to attend the 2014 Winter Games

1. Billie Jean King – right bitchin’ tennis player

2. Brian Boitano – Gold medal winner for men’s figure skating at the 1988 Calgary Olympics, and all round bitichin’ figure skater

Folks that Obama should send to Sochi, not so much to represent the United States, but to get them out of the United States

1. Mel Gibson – double threat racist and hater of the gays

2. Russell Crowe – super racist and speculated gay

3. Paula Dean – too stupid to know being racist = not nice

4. Chris Brown – gay hater and all around super asswipe

5. Ann Coulter – hates pretty well everybody but the Tea Baggers and is not subtle about it, plus Paula needs a girlfriend with which to sit. They can sulk and give Chris Brown the stink-eye, not just because he is black

6. Donald Trump – uber-hater of all things not The Donald, offers the added bonus of a mentor for the comb-over which Vlad could use

7. Bill Maher – we need a moderator, do we not? I suggest he is allowed to return

Possible suggestions for who should perform at the opening ceremonies

1. China Anne McClain – star of and singer of the theme song for the kids’ show Ant Farm. Theme of theme song is “exceptional”, which Putin despises about Americans claiming to be as such. Did I mention she is black?

2. KD Lang – her performance of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Games in Vancouver, (teaming with gays by the way) was ethereal. She is not black but I have every confidence that she would piss off Putin by just being there

3. George Michael – How awesome would it be if he belted out “Freedom” in front of the whole planet while Vlad’s head spun?

List in Summation and Then Some

49 – The number of days until the 2014 Winter Olympics kick off in Sochi

4 – The total number of delegates representing the U.S. at the Games

2 – The number of gay delegates that the United States is sending to represent their country in a place where their sexual orientation is, um, illegal

7 – The number of replacement delegates that I suggest represents the U.S. at the Games

3 – The number of artists I propose as potential singers for the opening ceremonies

3 – The number of times I searched the official Sochi 2014 website for some attempt at mitigating their globally witnessed social idiocy

2 – The number of results addressing the gay rights issue on the official Sochi 2014 website (edited btw)

1 – The number of lives you get to take a spin on this planet. Do not be a hater