There is a child in my house. If I drop the pickle jar on the marble tile when we have three minutes to get out of the house, or I ram my toes square into the coffee table legs while sprinting to answer the door, it is just a reflex to blurt out a foul expletive. There are consequences if a child lives in your home, but admit it; we have all slipped at some point. The average person‘s curse quota consists of between zero to three percent of their total word output every day. Do the math.

The fallout can include such punishments as feeding the swear jar, your child calling you a hypocrite or public shaming where you child broadcasts the one time you may have taken a spill off the “swear wagon” in front of someone who will likely judge you as an unfit and vulgar parent.

I am not one to make a list of New Year’s resolutions and besides, it is only mid December and I have a whole lot of sinning left to do before I commit to making any improvements. What I am prepared to do is suggest some of the alternative things you can blurt out when you experience acute pain in an extremity, or some messy, smelly, dangerous kitchen clean up is staring you in the pickle. But first let us take a brief look at how profanity has evolved and how it fairs from culture to culture.

History

The Elizabethan era was eloquent and exasperating. The Bard really set the bar high and it has been downhill ever since. How could you possibly retort to such barbs as, “Thou pribbling milk-livered haggard!”, “Thou puking ill-breeding malcontent!”, or my favourite “Thou gorbellied brazen-faced gudgeon!” Other than the incessant use of “thou”, pretty heady stuff.

In the Old West, it was a pretty PG. If the little varmints were lurking and caught you threatening the local outlaw, they might hear expressions such as, “Go to Jericho, Geeswas, Dodgasted, By Jing, Dagnabbit”. Just think Yosemite Sam cussing out Bugs Bunny after he has been pushed off of a cliff for the fifth time in one episode. “Get outta there, you rassa-frassin’ fur-bearin’ critter!”, or “Ya no-account, bush-whackin’ barracuda!” Harmless but hilarious, especially coming from a flame-haired, gun-totin’, rabbit-hatin’ dwarf with the voice of a chain-smoking anger management drop out.

In Victorian England “Drat” was borderline acceptable but when George Bernard Shaw included “Not bloody likely!” in Eliza Doolittle’s lines the audience was appalled despite the theatrical context. And you certainly did not hear Jane Austen’s heroines dropping F bombs or the likes of Mr. Darcy referring to any love interests as his” ho”, though he might have reconsidered had he known that the Merriam-Webster dictionary recognizes it as part of our modern lexicon. Thanks for that, ganstas.

But we are in the 21st century and we have considerably more offensive and socially “gaspable” expressions with which to grapple. Body parts, human functions and the relations between one’s mother and various farm animals have come a long way.

Cultural

The first words we learn in another language outside of a formal classroom are usually profanities, and usually the crassest. The words we are more accustomed to today, a Group of Seven (not to be confused with the iconic Canadian artists), more commonly remembered as the “7 Dirty Words” according to the late, great George Carlin, are so ubiquitous that most of us are desensitized to them. But there still remains some that are a jolt to the system.

Take the Glaswegians, the faction of Scots that even the rest of the Scots will not admit having any remote relation with. Their version of English sounds more like someone trying to speak whilst repeatedly being punched in the diaphragm, than some civilized version of the Queen’s English. They have assigned duality to the “c” word as both a noun and an adjective. “I’ve had a c*** of a day”, or “That bloke is a c***”. It can even be used as a compliment: “He’s a great c*** that c***”. Charming.

The Italians know a thing or two about insulting especially if you happen to be a family man, protective of female honour. In extra-time at the end of the 2006 World Cup Final, France v Italy, French soccer genius Zinedine Zidane, headbutted Marco Materazzi in the chest after alleged insults were hurled pertaining to Zidane’s mother and sister. The former France captain, said he "would rather die" than apologise to Marco for the cranial assault. What exactly was said was not confirmed, but it was Zidane’s swan song in an international game - a tragic end to a magnificent career as he was kicked out of the game. What could be so offensive to his ears that he would risk the last minutes of a tied World Cup game? If the alleged insult referred to either relative as a “Stuppaghiara”, maybe Materazzi had it coming. That’s what corkscrews are for! Nonetheless, Glaswegians could have taught him a thing or two about headbutting, the municipal past time, as well as augmenting with their own brand of sports commentary: “In the f***ing chest? Like that’s goin’ tae f***ing hurt! Daft c***!”

Although some Asian cultures can dish it out as well as the Italians, geographically, tolerance thresholds vary. In Singapore, the threshold for profanity is excessively low, and despite being a modern and cosmopolitan city, punishment for swearing is downright medieval. An Australian man faced punishment in the form of a fine and caning for swearing on a Singaporean airline. Ultimately, he was spared the punishment because of a media frenzy but he was the exception, not the rule. Why even allow an Australian to board your plane if you do not expect some world class cussing?

Culturally, the French are less fussed when kids swear so to put it in perspective, profanity, like smoking, is part of the culture. And even if they mean to convey the worst, the language is so mellifluous that it just does not sound insulting. Casse-toi, Merde, Foutre, C’est des connerie, Salope, all sound more like kittens farting than expletives.

On the other end of the spectrum, German, arguably considered one of the harshest sounding languages on the planet, something as innocuous as saying you are going out in the garden to pick some lavender can sound like you are doling out a tongue lashing at someone for gambling away the family fortune. In this cacophonous tongue, profanity is particularly barbed, and like our Italian friends, picking on one’s mother is a hit below the belt they do not hesitate to take. "Deine Mutter schwitzt beim Kacken", for example, is a rather cruel and unusual accusation that your mother perspires excessively during elimination. It is fair to say that insulting one’s mother or insisting that you procreate with yourself sound equally abrasive.

As is evidenced, swearing is a globally divisive and provocative bad habit. So in the spirit of attempting to set a respectable example for our son, here are a few phonetically fabulous alternatives to bleep out the nasty stuff, some, courtesy of Modern Family’s master of English language butchery, Phil Dunphy. The next time you stub your toe on a steel caster, lock your keys in your running car or discover that you do not have your wallet after the grocery cashier has rung through the last of your three hundred dollar grocery trip, try one of these: Morgan Freeman! Martha Stewart! Katy Perry! Shut the front door! Chicken in a biscuit! Bartels and James! Sweet potato fries! Son-of-a-biscuit-eater! Bullspit! Cheese and crackers! Good gravy! H-E-double hockey sticks! Holy Shibblets!

And of course, in extreme situations, you can always use the name of the walking expletive herself: Miley Cyrus!