Dear Mr. Ford,

I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving parents the world over, the trouble of explaining why our kids and every other cross section of life should not do drugs. I’d send a fruit basket but I suspect you are considering lower glycemic index food choices. I am uncertain if the gift basket industry has discovered the oatmeal and dark green leafy basket themes. I plan to investigate immediately.

You can’t imagine the relief I have as a parent that now I do not have to carefully select my words and frame the context of the perils of drugs. My life is hard enough as it is, so the time saved stressing about this major life lesson is significant. I think in my spare time I will take up knitting, or say, exercise. What a waste of time though. How do you single-handedly dominate the media and set such lofty goals for losing weight? To be fair, you have more than exceeded your goals by recently losing approximately 330 trillion pounds. Although my estimate is a bit sketchy, I am only guessing what the city of Toronto weighs.

Speaking of Toronto, unless I had looked up the history of why one of its nicknames is the Big Smoke, now the old reason is utterly invalid. Can you imagine the electricity saved on the number of searches done on the meaning of the Big Smoke? My personal favourite, though, is Hogtown.

The mayor of the city I live in is a real dud. Can you imagine trying to make a city green and thinking he’s so cool because he founded a health juice company? The nerve. Not the kind of influence we want for the new generation. I doubt he’s ever even been in a drunken stupor. What a geek! Lotusland. Yawn. You are the man.

Thank you, as well, for expounding the virtues of healthy living. Shrewd of you to do take the “do what I say, not what I do” approach. I am not clever enough to have thought of that! It’s like early Christmas around here. There are so many reasons to practice healthy living in the form of good diet and exercise, and you have presented approximately 330 reasons why we should practice it. Thank you for killing two birds with one stone.

Speaking of generous, how did you find the time to energize the entire global media? Can you imagine how hard it is to sell advertizing time on television, magazine and internet space and good old newspapers? I think you may well have given the whole industry a big shot in the arm. Not to mention the viewers’ perspective – war, the economy, the environment and politics without the flair only you could add. Not even Conrad Black could pull a rabbit out of a hat like that. Do your talents never end? The late night talk show hosts must be taking vacation time since their material practically writes itself. It’s not really fair that they don’t even have to try and they get paid all that money. Your generosity knows no bounds.

I think I’m good for Christmas. You’ve also taught how non-material gifts are much more meaningful than ones that are wrapped in shiny paper. Genius.

I have a feeling that you will go down in history, if nothing, for being the most prolific multi-tasker this world has ever seen.