It seems like the end times are upon us, uh?

There are so many signs. The rich are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer. Riots and protests are breaking out everywhere. War, famine, Jersey Shore. And the idea is so mainstream! Didn't you see that movie about it? It was so epic, it had to be accurate too. The History Channel is constantly insinuating it. Our neighbors are saying it. The news is saying it.

Is it happening? Could the world really be coming to an end?

Let's ask the Internet.

The Mayan Calendar

O, Internet, does the Mayan Calendar predict the end of the world on 2012?

"Nay, human," the Internet replied. "The Mayan calendar doesn't predict the end of the world. It predicts the end of the age.

"End. Age.

"Are you listening, human? Stop picking your nose and listen.

"Therefore, furthermore, and additionally, the end of the age is December 24, 2011. Since the Mayans knew their stuff, we can safely conclude that the age has already ended.

"Or, if you're a zealot, the world has already been destroyed. A belated RIP to everyone. "

O thank ye, O Internet.

The Bible

O, Internet, the book of Revelations says the world will be destroyed in--

"Shut up," the Internet cut across. "The book of Revelations talks about the End Times.

"End. Times.

"There is no discussion about the planet Earth being destroyed. Rather, come the End Times, the dead will come back to life, angels will educate anyone who doesn't know about God, and anyone who wants to will be made immortal, even those in Gehenna, or what most of you know as Hell. Nobody's actually going to burn for the rest of eternity. That's pretty jacked up, man.

"Therefore, furthermore, and additionally, if you really wanted to, you could choose to cease to exist, but otherwise we're all stuck in the real world. Or the cyber-world, as the case may one day be."

O thank ye, O Internet. By the way, I'm looking forward to that.

Nostradamus

O, Internet, Nostradamus predicts--

The Internet sighed loudly. "Nostradamus? Seriously?"

"Nostradamus made about four or five semi-accurate predictions.

"Every other one of his predictions has been wrong.

"Wipe that stupid look off your face and let me explain.

"Here's the thing about predictions, human: they always come true. Sooner or later 'Earthshaking fire from the center of the Earth Will cause tremors around the New City.' It's bound to happen. It's this thing called the Law of Big Numbers at work.

"Let me elaborate. Say there is a 0.00000003% possibility of a poor unsuspecting cow dying by laughter (for example's sake). Since there are six billion cows on Earth, the possibility of ANY one of them dying by laughter rises to an astronomical 18%. So 'a younger lion [was bound to] overtake an older one' at some point in history because there is always a chance of it happening, however small it is.

"Any possibility is possible.

"Therefore, furthermore, and additionally, Nostradamus didn't just predict events in the 21st century; he predicted all the way up to the 86th. If he's the real deal, then the Earth gets to grow old. He predicted some good things for it, too."

O thank ye, O Internet.

"S'aright."

So it looks like we can afford to be optimistic. The world will not end on 2012. Probably.

Start doing something productive with your life and stop worrying about whether or not you can survive a zombie apocalypse. You could write a story or two. Start an online business. Play with yourself. Anything. Just remember to try, and to aim for the day after tomorrow.