If how can I get my ex back is the one thing on your mind after a breakup, the only thing you might want to do is hide out on the couch or in front of the computer. But, after an initial day or two of moping or tears, it is time to emerge from your cocoon of self pity. In fact, if you want your ex back, it’s the absolutely necessary first step.

It will take some time to think through what happened, and why. You will want to apologize to your ex for whatever is your responsibility in the pain the break up has caused him or her. While doing this mental processing, here are some more things you need to do:

1. Choose one bad habit and change it

We all have a choice of bad habits to choose from, so pick one of your own that possibly you’ve been meaning to do something about. You could stop biting your nails, or start being on time for work every day or finally stop smoking. You could get back to the gym and get some benefit out of that membership you bought. You could do something about your texting/email addiction. You could organize your finances and get all your bills paid. Or set up your tax free retirement savings plan. Or stop interrupting. Or learn how to never forget another name again. Or de-clutter.

2. Write your love a letter

And tell him or tell her everything – what you wish had happened, what you regret, why you love them, why they should still love you. Don’t hold anything back. Be totally honest. Be angry, if you are. Forgive them, if you need to, or ask their forgiveness. Explain yourself. It doesn’t matter how long this letter is – the more you put in, the better. Write it all out. Sign it. Seal it in an envelope.

Now – burn it. Or shred it. All this has poured out of you – all the pain, the hurt, the sense of betrayal, the bald truth, as you see it right now. But it isn’t for anyone else to read, certainly not your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. Destroy it, because this letter has served its purpose – to express your pain and release you from its grip.

3. Buy a new colour

That is, a new shirt, or tie, or dress, or shoes, or car (if you can afford it and need one) or anything in a colour you have never had before, or don’t think suits you, or just never thought of trying. Now’s the time.

4. Go out with a friend

To sample a type of cuisine you’ve never eaten before, followed by some sort of experience (jazz concert, opera, folk festival, art gallery, formal gardens) you’ve never been to. Be a tourist in your own city, or take a mini-vacation to somewhere else. Expand your horizons.

5. Shape up, or get some muscle

Did you pack on some extra pounds during the final, stressful weeks of your relationship? Or have you put on the Breakup 10 eating comfort food since then? Not good. Get into the pool, take up walking or running before or after work, or get back to the gym and shed the flab. Sign up for some lessons in a sport (anything that gets you away from the remote) – golf, maybe, or skiing. Or yoga.

6. Volunteer

Getting out and doing something generous for someone else is the best way possible to take your mind off your own troubles. You’ll meet some people, you’ll enjoy yourself, you’ll contribute, and you’ll be doing something that doesn’t revolve around either work or your ex.

Why are you doing all this? Because you must resist the urge to hibernate. By becoming more positive, by opening up your life to possibility, you become both more interested and involved in your own life, you will also be more interesting to other people. They will be attracted to you.

That could include your ex, who hears about how great you’re looking, that you’ve lost weight, for example, and taken up golf or judo or tai chi. You’re out there, meeting people, maybe even dating again. He, or she, will be curious – what’s changed with you? She or he will want to know, want to ask in person. You may even get your ex back. That is, if he or she still has deep feelings for you.

And, if not? Then, you’ve made some tentative first steps in moving on with your life, and gotten that much closer to finding the one who will want to be there to enjoy it with you.