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How To Get Back With Your Partner: Learn To Understand Them
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How many relationships that you know of have died on the vine simply because one or the other person, or maybe even both, didn’t feel as if they were understood? How many times do we see someone in a relationship have an affair, and when you ask them how it happened, the answer was something close to; “I feel a connection, like he (she) gets me.”

Too often.

When we first get into a relationship, we try hard to learn everything we can about the other person. We want to know what they like to eat, where they like to go, what movies they like to watch, all about their hobbies, where they’ve been, and where they are hoping to go. When we are in a new relationship, we turn in to the biggest, best “job interviewer” there is. We try and find out everything.

Somewhere down the line, we think we have it all figured out. New things come up that demand our attention, and we lose focus. “Life” pulls us in different directions, job, kids, career, and hobbies all contribute to our own personal growth. Unfortunately, that growth is often in different directions. The people we used to be is not who we are now, and it seems to get worse every day.

That person we got to know when the relationship was fresh and new, they’ve changed. The changes are soft and subtle, and the problem is not that they’ve changed, but that we’ve failed to notice.

Our first inkling that there is something wrong is usually one of those times when one partner comes home, to find the other upset, because of something that happened, or didn’t happen that day. If that happens on a day when the returning partner has also had a bad day, you start trading reasons why your day was worse. With nobody listening, and everybody talking, nothing gets done, nobody feels better. If this happens too often, then both people will begin to believe that their partner doesn’t understand them.

The problem is that we are trying to get the other person to understand us. It’s not your fault, it’s human nature. It’s how we are hard-wired.

Even being wired to do things this way, you can still fix this; you just have to know how to start. The solution to fixing this, and to keep things running smoothly from that point on, is to do the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. What you must do is to first understand the other person.

Listen to what they are saying, and show them that you are listening. You do this by rephrasing what they have told you, so that they know you heard them (Remember: you are doing this to fix the thing that is more important to you than anything else, your relationship, leave the jokes and the sarcasm out of it). Once you have done this, they will either agree or correct you, so that you do understand. Once you listen, and take the time to understand what they want or need, you’ll know what to do to help.

Here is where the fun part starts.

Once you do this, once they know you have listened and understood them, they will make the effort to do the same for you. Instead of a pulling apart, there is a drawing together.

Every time you do this it gets easier. Eventually, both you and your partner will stop expecting a “tug of war” when they want to talk to you. With all of that tension that comes from expecting a battle gone, the talking gets easy.

The alternative, too often, is one or the other partner having an affair, or the relationship just falling apart. Then, if you still want to be with that person, you find yourself having to learn how to survive an affair, or you have to try and learn how to make up, and repair the relationship. This is so much easier.


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