Getting to the bottom of your breakup is an important element if you're looking to reverse the process and eventually get back together. You can't fix something when you don't know exactly what broke it. Reliving the breakup speech delivered as quickly as possible by your ex-boyfriend may not shed a lot of light on any underlying causes that could have sent up giant warning signals to your ex.

If it seems impossible to determine or you're unable to find a place to start, try examining how you acted towards the end of your relationship. Certain patterns of behavior may seem normal as they're happening, but hindsight has a way of shedding new light on things that may not otherwise be considered. You may realize you've fallen into one or more of these categories, and that could have helped the breakup along or caused it in the first place.

- Acting in a Controlling Manner

Control is a fundamental issue that faces the majority of couples in varying cultures and countries around the world. In some areas, the man is seen as the indisputable head of the household and the breadwinner providing for his partner's needs. In Western society, these stereotypes are starting to break down, but a lot of the foundation still remains.

Women have learned various methods to assert their own version of control over their relationships. Whether that means your ex-boyfriend was expected to text or call at certain, predetermined times or show up on time to your significant events and remember anniversaries at your whim, these controlling mannerisms can go a long way in the eventual breakdown of relationships that are otherwise equal and healthy. The instinct to assert control wherever possible is a strong one, and it's a hard habit to break.

Like any habit, however, it can be broken over time. When trying to win an ex-boyfriend's heart, keeping these urges on a strict leash is your best bet for going beyond mere words. It shows by your actions that you're dedicated to healthy, equal balance between your two worlds and you're actively striving to put it into practice.

- Taking Communication to the Extreme

Within the structure of a relationship, certain things become commonplace that would otherwise seem abnormal. If you're used to texting your ex-boyfriend at all hours of the day and night, breaking the habit to send those messages after a breakup can be an overwhelming challenge to face. Keep in mind that your relationship has ended - at least for now - and put yourself in his shoes.

Have you ever received seemingly endless messages from a guy you broke up with? It may have been a running joke between you and your girlfriends but the meaning is clear. If it's not a behavior you would welcome in his position, he's probably not enjoying it either. For now, you need to back off. That doesn't mean cutting back from 200 texts to a mere 100 in any 24 hour period. That means backing WAY off. If you absolutely must message him, keep it brief and limit yourself. Anything truly important can wait and it has a much better chance of encouraging a response, only then will you get him back.

- Creating Conflict out of Calm

It's easy for a lot of women to blow things way out of proportion. Suddenly the fact that your co-worker simply didn't see you when you passed in the hall becomes a cause for concern as you try to imagine any possible reason she has to be mad at you, etc. It's easy to spiral downward once the wheel in your brain starts turning. If you think that everyone is like that, you're halfway right. Most women are - at least at one time or another. Guys simply don't tend to think that way, and being faced with a partner who continually has to find issues to be resolved can eat away at even the most patient man's tolerance level.

- The Payback Problem

It's easy to want to get back at your ex-boyfriend after a breakup, even if you ultimately want to get back together. This is easily accomplished when you use a tool that is readily available and already at your disposal - guilt. Guilt is a strange and complicated human emotion that can easily be manipulated by others. It's often seen as a sign of weakness, which means that it's easily taken advantage of in an attempt to gain the upper hand. Unfortunately, it rarely ends positively and it typically paints you in an increasingly negative light - worse than the one you're already in. You need to exercise caution if guilt seems like a viable option. Your best-case scenario is to avoid it completely. It is simply not compatible with reconciliation and can lead to worse problems down the road. It's difficult to control and often leaps out of your hands before you're even aware there's a problem.

If you used guilt throughout your relationship in an effort to get your way, you need to own up to your mistake and make it clear that it will not be repeated going forward. Only then, combined with a real effort to change, will your ex-boyfriend feel justified in giving you a second chance.

Your Next Steps

Now that you know some of the reasons why you can't get back with your ex boyfriend it is time to get to work to fix things and make your ex boyfriend see you differently. First you have to understand the no contact rule and how it can make him sit up and take notice of you in a romantic way again. Then you should be on the look out for signs he still loves you, then you will know if what you are doing is working and if you have ay real chance of getting him back.