I am in my Seventies and I am still learning how to be a better person. I guess you could say I'm a slow learner. When I was growing up I had very few thoughts about what people thought or what might hurt someone. The whole world revolved around me and what I wanted. I guess, little by little knowledge and caring trickled in.

My mom was a good woman who had a real problem with communication. She was emotionally inhibited. We never said I love you to each other. Although I knew they loved me.

In the 40s and 50s we were very secretive, unable to discuss personal things. There was no talk of sex or bodily functions. When it was time for me to know something, mom would give me a magazine article to read. Later she would ask me if I understood it. We were not a family that hugged or kissed. I never saw mom and dad be affectionate in public.

I dated some and married at 18. I think that is when I started to learn about what others were feeling. You never divorced in those days. This is why I began to understand that the world was not mine.

I never really gave much thought to why mom was emotionally stunted. I was very judgemental . There were no shades of grey. Everything was either black or white. I guess, when you are young you think you have everything figured out.

I was never very close to mom, for what ever reason. I threw out all that time I could have been a better daughter. I really regret that now...A little late huh? My mother lived in California and we lived in Nevada. I went to see her or sent money for her to come see us. Still it was more duty then pleasure. I am not proud of that now. mom passed away in 2000 at age 92. I am able to understand her more now then when she was alive. I don't get this at all, but it is how it is.

Mom was born in 1909 on a ranch in Arizona. Her mom was 16 and her father was 36. Mom was 6 months old when her father died. He was killed by a horse. Her grandma came and took the family to live with her. After a few years her mother remarried and soon died in childbirth. Again they lived with grandma. Grandma never was fond of girls so mom had no affection growing up

At 18 years old Mom married and stayed married until her husband fathered a child outside the marriage. Mom filed for divorce (which was not done) . Mom had a nervous breakdown over the divorce. After a while Mom married my father and they stayed married until my father died. She never remarried.

I am writing this all down because I don't understand why It has taken me so long to put this altogether. If I had bothered to do this when she was alive, I could have been closer to her. I was not mean to mom, but I was judgmental in my thoughts. I feel guilty for that. My husband says I need not feel badly, because we did a lot of things for her. Some how that does not sooth me. You never know what you have, until you don't have it any more.I talk to her often now. I don't know if she can hear me, but I like to think she does.

That's it for now..see you again?