This Article is About
state of confusion
loud noise
alertness
bandages
scars
family and friends
grief
frog
pills
Oh Mr Ptsd Please Leave Me Be
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Sometime ago I was sent to a far away land to engage an enemy that I did not understand. While there, most everything in my life began to change. The departure from the world I knew has left my mind in a state of confusion. I try to sleep at night to no avail. You are right there to ensure I do not prevail. I hear most any loud noise and leap like a frog. I am never able to relax and always tense. As my body and mind cries out for relief, you only extend the amount of grief.

When I started this war thing, you were there to heighten my alertness that enabled me to survive. You ensured I stayed awake to watch for an enemy that may appear. You controlled the thoughts that entered my mind; you even ensured I fought the war at home and aboard. In my mind, you kept me abreast of all the details that were happening with my wife.

You had me going in three directions at the same time. You kept me awake and alert so I could constantly think of the enemy, my wife and my life. Whenever I thought I was losing my mind, you ratcheted up my awareness to ensure I remained in the game. Did I bring this all on myself? Did I make some binding deal with you to see me through? Why are you still hounding me after all these years?

When my conduct and actions are offensive to family and friends, I realize you have struck again. You have recruited them and made them skeptical of me. You are very good at your game; they sometimes think I am running a fraud or game. They look at me, see no bandages or scars, and conclude I am in no pain. No matter how many times I try to convince myself that the dangers of that war is no longer present, you work on my brain and tell it I must be crazy for having such foolish thoughts.

I cannot socialize and have fun because I cannot be around normal people. I spend most of my time isolated in my room because I have this fear of causing some doom. Family and friends think I am adrift. I find some peace when I visit the sea. Even then, sleep still evades me. I take pills to ease my pain, which sometimes make me feel I am going insane.

When I attempt to bond with my family, you insist that you are the only family I will ever need. Even when I attempt to run and hide, I constantly feel your presence at my side. After all the medications I have been through, it is apparent that this fight between you will continue to endure. Although the fight is arduous, I will continue to battle you to the end… Please grant me the serenity.

PTSD: You foolish clown, people like you make me want to laugh. When you were in harms way I stepped in so you could watch your back. Without me, you would not have been able to survive. Remember at times, you would fall asleep at the wrong time, you would awake and wish you could remain alert. Well, I stepped in to save your life. You should not have wished for things if you were not willing to pay the consequences. Everything in life has a price. Do you think I would protect you through your times of peril and just walk away at the end of the trail? You owe me friend and I intend to collect. You can call me Mr. Grief if you elect.

It should be apparent to you how strong I am. You take all of your dumb medications and you still cannot rid yourself of me. Every time you change your medications due to the lack of sleep, nightmares, panic attacks and all the other burdens associated with war, I revel in my ability to collect what is owed. Do you know how difficult it was to transport you to the highest levels of your mind? When you venture into those levels, you will never be the same. You just cannot expect the body and mind to sustain your level of alertness when needed and just return to normal when no longer needed. Not going to happen.

You were not complaining when you were out there drugging and drinking in your feeble attempt to rejoin the so-called real world. You accepted me unconditionally. You disregarded all others to remain in the world I allowed you to thrive in. Thrive; well that is an inappropriate word in this situation. It was never my attempt for you to thrive; it is my mission to ensure your demise. I really have a difficult time understanding folks of your ilk. You begged and pleaded for the strength to remain alert while you were in need. Now, you want to abandon me when I am in need of making my mandate.

My report is due soon and I intend to have a very high number of fools like you to claim. The boss will be happy to know I still have you under my grip. You beg for release from me and run to the hospital to implement a plan to rid yourself of me. Each time you go, I tighten my grip around your neck.


Street Talk

PTSD is indeed painful. Good article sharing the pain and what it looks like. In a broken world, PTSD surrounds and grows in power to destroy lives. Loving yourself back to life takes effort over time with no time off.

Reply
  about 7 years ago
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