We may at times feel terribly uncomfortable with lovers, especially when they do things we don’t expect. But if a lovers actions do not involve violence, coercion, recklessness or deceit then we need not do anything because no problem really exists. We certainly do not have cause to use power against them trying to spare ourselves such feeling. We benefit a great deal by not wasting our precious time trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist. We need not believe or obey any particular thought or feeling. We feel intensely when thinking about ourself. This self concept we often call our ego. What a relief to realize our ideas about our self cannot be hurt because they are only ideas.

Consider a man backing up a car at night abruptly collides with another car. The man flies into a fury and yells at the other driver. The angry driver then notices the other car is empty and properly parked, nobody really wronged him. We can see our poor driver entirely conceived another to blame and the other exists as a fiction. We probably understand that real anger arose from a fictional narrative. Moreover, the man as he imagined himself relating to the other driver also did not exist; the ‘self’ he conceived in contrast to the other driver never existed outside his mind. We continually reference a conceptual self, this fact cannot be overstated, especially when that conceptual self generates emotion concerning others. If we mistake thoughts for facts, we might cause real damage reacting to wrongs that never really happened.

Let’s imagine the same fender bender with this small change, a man sits in the parked car. With another person present a fight seems much more likely. Remember, the man backing up remains completely at fault as in the previous example. When dealing with lovers (and others too) the opportunities for fictional conflict abounds, these possibilities increase if we embrace open non-monogamous relationships.

The question we’re considering here - How to avoid the terrible and unnecessary emotional conflict arising from fictional ideas about others or ourselves? Anyone with a functioning mind can fall into the trap. The danger may not be completely avoidable but we can stop automatically / habitually reacting. Let’s inquire into our feelings once we realize that not all discomfort requires a response, for the same reasons we don’t need to shoot a fictional lion that scares us.

How we know ourselves gets way too much emphasis when, at any time, we could change our lives drastically. We need not move to some exotic location to enjoy a radically different life. Let’s remember a new day brings entirely new experiences. We find new experiences reveal undiscovered capacities, particularly in our relationships.

Our possibilities for discovery do not necessarily exist because we created them, but more importantly, because we did not unconsciously destroy them. Let’s ponder over some other words and ways to describe discovery besides fear of the unknown and danger. Discovery is exciting, adventurous, bold, progressive, and, dare I say, discovery is also fun.