With all the hype that has been surrounding this book, I felt sure it had to be a great read. I asked my friends whether I was “missing out” on something by not reading it. The answer was mostly an empathic yes, from those now acquainted with Mr Christian Grey! So, I decided to take the plunge…no pun intended!

I started reading and I was shocked…shocked by the complete lack of literary skills! The writing is at best, questionable…atrocious and contrived at worst! It is reminiscent of something my Granny could have written…with euphemisms such as, “he touched my sex”, “something was happening down there.“ What’s wrong with just saying plain old vagina? The only saving grace is that she didn’t start calling it a hoo hoo, flower, nin, mini, ladygarden, Va JJ, coochie, or some other ridiculous analogy!

To say the book has a plot – would be an entire stretch of the imagination…even more so than the ludicrous characters!

Ana, who is clearly “a total babe,” according to her friend Kate. From virgin “never been touched” to submissive, S&M, porn star queen, sex slave in a matter of a few weeks…Really? How on earth did this happen? Particularly when poor, poor Ana blushes at EVERYTHING!…He looks at me I blush, he says my name I blush, I think a thought I blush, he buys me a tea I blush, he runs his hand through his hair I blush, I look at him I blush, bleeeeuurrgghh!

I’m actually surprised her head didn’t explode, or that she didn’t at least have a stroke, when they had sex! Hasn’t she heard of corrective makeup? Even if she is the absolute naive, clumsy mouse that she pretends to be, she’s supposed to have friends! The world wise Kate “she’s so beautiful” Kavanagh for one! Who I’m beginning to think is a total bitch for letting Ana walk around with a face that’s, quite clearly, as red as a baboon’s bum!

Furthermore, Ana seems to have the dexterity of a brick! Unable to perform simple tasks such as tying up her hair. She constantly had an “escaping tendril of hair”…Seriously, if that thing had escaped once more, I was pleading with Grey to shave her head!!

Now, step forward Mr Grey, total Nutjob! I’m somewhat bemused as to the ridiculous fascination with this Mr Christian Grey. He is seemingly portrayed, on the surface, as an absolutely beautiful, charming, charismatic Adonis who is far too beautiful for Ana. Let’s face it, he’s an over privileged, arrogant, egotistical, misogynistic, control freak billionaire, with sadistic tendencies where he likes to hit and hurt women, and he has a purpose built Domination S&M, sex “playroom” in his house…

Now, we all know he’s got some dark secret and is damaged…Considering he was the son of some crackhead whore, was adopted, and then seduced at the age of 15 by one of his mother’s friends and introduced to the world of Domination, S&M…who wouldn’t be!

I’m also not entirely sure that Mr Grey isn’t from another planet, as allegedly he has a very long index finger, which is mentioned one or fifty times (placing said “tendril” back behind Ana’s ear)…I can’t help but now imagine, that his hand is on a par with that of the hand of ET!

Will I be reading Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed – not likely! I am, however, off to write Fifty Shades of Normal…